'The Bachelor' recap: Episode 1

MusicConcertsEntertainmentSuzanne SomersKenny ChesneyPatrick Duffy

"Screw you and the horse you rode in on."

This season, 25 single ladies get the opportunity to woo Mr. Sloppy Seconds from last season’s “The Bachelorette” — the less-than-hunky Ben Flajnik. He’s “darling” but not “sexy” and is the first bachelor to wear his shirt the majority of the first episode. The ladies range from ages 23-34 and are about a culturally diverse as the crowd at a Kenny Chesney concert.

After an hour of exiting-the-limo introductions, the annual first-night catfight began. Jenna questioned Monica’s motives for being on the show after she admitted to not being wowed by Ben. Two seconds later, Monica makes romantic moves on Blakely, professing “you’re in my life forever” mumbles something about new experiences and asks for her number. Jenna declares war on drama by fighting with Monica, crying, threatening to leave the show and pulling a Stephanie Tanner (“Full House”) by locking herself in the bathroom. She shows up late to the rose ceremony, but miraculously earns a rose. The producers must have had something to do with that.

Awkward Introductions

Sarah: Emily, an epidemiologist, gave him hand sanitizer and breath spray and then went in for the first kiss. Sexy. Later that night, she rapped for him: “Love is like disease/always spreading.” It was so awkward, Chris had to plug his ears and leave the room. Brittney brought her grandmother — a total fake out — I was really hoping Ben was a grandmother lover. Look ladies, all you need to do is introduce yourself, smile and stick out your chest. Your pick up lines are not cute — they are corny and embarrassing women everywhere.

Chris: It doesn’t matter what comes out of a girl’s mouth as long as she’s good looking. Courtney could have told Ben that she was a member of the Nazi party and he wouldn’t have blinked twice. I honestly would have picked the grandmother out of all of the girls. She’d make me the best breakfast the next morning. *winky face*

First Impression Rose: Lindzi Wins

Sarah: It’s slightly sickening the way the girls drool over the rose. I’m glad he picked Lindzi; she seems down to earth and somewhat intelligent. Riding in on the horse is a way better move than bringing your grandmother as an accessory.

Chris: The way he kissed her was like a mouth handshake. I’ve kissed my cat with more passion than that.

The Bachelor Formula

Sarah: All of the girls are white and attractive. Does the bachelor give his preferences before the ladies are selected to appear on the show? The ones that are slightly less attractive are always voted off first. I would get rid of the criers and the idiots, but I guess that would bring me down to four or five girls after the first episode. And of the thousands of women that apply, how could they not avoid having six contestants with the same name?

Chris: Why do the bachelors never have chest hair? They are bringing shame to the deep v-shirt.

The Remaining Ladies

Since it’s hard to keep track of these similar looking and acting ladies, we’ve broken them down with nicknames and easy to remember descriptions.

Jamie, 25: “Party of Five” — genuine girl from New York, rough childhood, now has custody over her younger siblings.

Lindzi C, 27: “Horse Girl” — rode in on a horse.

Courtney, 28: “Model” — pretty girl from Santa Monica, self-admitted gold digger.

Rachel, 27: “Snaggle Tooth” — middle name is Rose, quit her job to come on the show, forgot to fix her teeth before appearing on national TV.

Samantha, 26: “Sash” — wore Miss Palisades sash, “Toddlers in Tiaras” mother in training.

Jenna, 27: “Tears for Fears” — NYC blogger who can’t hold a conversation, cries over perceived hostilities and badly needs a dye job or a hair cut. National TV people!

Monica, 33: “Cackler” — Intelligent but drunk? Lesbian tendencies? What is with that laugh?

Blakely, 34: “Vivian Ward”—works as a VIP cocktail waitress…in Charlotte, NC. Does that really mean escort?

Emily, 27: “Epidemiologist” — awkward but confident Chapel Hill PhD student.

Brittney, 26: “Golden Girl” — brought her grandmother to the show and scored points with grandmother-lover Ben.

Shawn, 28: “MILF” — has a son and will soon embarrass him on national TV.

Nicki, 26: “Divorce” — like Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers on “Step by Step,” she’s looking for love the second time around.

Kacie B, 24: “Corgi”—Did anyone see the corgi in the park behind her intro? SO CUTE!

Contestants he kept because they were pretty. We don’t know enough about them yet:

Casey S, 26

Erika, 23

Jaclyn, 27

Jennifer, 28

Elyse, 24

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
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MusicConcertsEntertainmentSuzanne SomersKenny ChesneyPatrick Duffy
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