'The Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: Episode 7

HealthRobin AntinNicole ScherzingerThe Real Housewives of Orange County (tv program)

This episode needed a parental guidance warning.

Alexis gets a new nose and it is already out of joint because Gretchen didn’t visit her on the day of the operation. And lucky us – we get to see everything they pulled out of Alexis’ old nose -- septum and all -- on camera. Seriously, I’m 30-sumpin’ years old and even I needed a hand to hold!

In less explicit TV, Tamra decides that she doesn’t need big breasts to define who she is, she’s got Eddie to do that! so she’s getting her implants removed, and Briana gets her thyroid and lymph nodes removed. While Alexis brings a nurse home to assist with her recovery, Briana goes hard and recuperates at home alone - I love her! 

After the respective surgeries, Vicki cries, “I’d give my life 10 times over to have Briana healthy," and Alexis says “I’m gonna look so much better -- praise the Lord!” Guess which one I believe! (Spoiler alert: for once, it’s Vicki!).  By the way, if you have sinus surgery and sleep with your mouth open like a blow-up doll, should you still snore like a lumberjack?

Over on ‘Billionaire’s Row’, Heather and her five best L.A. girlfriends think it’s a great idea to open a restaurant when most restaurants opened by one normal person don’t succeed. Vicki witnesses this debacle and screams “Run!” For the second time tonight, I say, “Listen to Vicki!”  Between the ostentatiously unnecessary helicopter ride to Los Angeles and the delusions of hipness, for once the O.C. ladies are the normal ones.

Gretchen and Slade go to Los Angeles (by car) to see what it is the Pussycat Dolls actually do, before she commits to performing in a show with them. You can’t turn a ho into a housewife, but apparently you can turn a Housewife into a Pussycat Doll -- and that’s straight from Robin Antin, y’all! (You know – the lady responsible for exposing Nicole Scherzinger to the world, so…)

Obviously I am scarred by the multiple surgeries tonight, so our superlatives are supremely medical!

Anatomy of a Disintegrating Friendship: Gretchen and Alexis

Vicki and Tamra are going through a lot right now, but they are holding it together. We, the audience, know that Vicki is nothing if not a businesswoman (some would say nothing BUT a businesswoman), and since we know she recently went into business with Tamra on Wines by Wives, we know they are solid. But Alexis can’t stand that Gretchen is becoming friends with Tamra, and now that the bump in her nose is gone, there is nothing in place to keep her jealousy in check. This is the beginning of the end.

Worst Person To Sit With In A Waiting Room: Tamra

Considering that she’s been dating Eddie since before the ink on her separation papers was dry, but she’s crying now that her divorce is finally going to be final, I can only come to one conclusion: she can handle the build-up, but she can’t handle the climax. (Fair warning, Eddie!)

Most Likely To Uphold The Hippocratic Oath: Gretchen

Her work ethic is serious. Say what you will about ol’ Gretch, but you can’t deny that the girl will always do her research and she doesn’t pursue avenues that are not plausible and profitable. When it comes to her pocketbook (or Gretchen Christine handbag), she will first, do no harm!

Next week we will see some kind of big event where all the ladies crawl through the mud – and for once it’s literal and not figurative! I can’t wait – what about you? Let me know in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice!

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