Terminator morphs into a candidate

ElectionsPoliticsGovernmentSatire (genre)Gray Davis

Opening campaign speech of new California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger:

My friends:

I stand before you, tanned and powerful, with perfect white teeth, but also humbled by your applause.

People ask me: "Ah-nult, why are you running for governor?" Very simple, my friends. To win! To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

Dat is what politics is about, my friends!

As you know, dere are dose who would deny me this prize. Republicans and Democrats who would run against me. Big mistake! You cannot beat me! Dey must be joking, dese fools!

Da little man, Gary Coleman! Hey, my very short friend: Da '80s are over! Diff'rent Strokes - what a stupid show! Gary, my sawed-off buddy, perhaps you can start a new show: Jeopardy for Washed-Up Losers! Ha, ha, ha!

And the others who challenge me: da smut-meister, Larry Flynt. Arianna Huffington, da nut-case. Dat one with the breasts: Angylene.

Dese are not worthy adversaries. I will crush dem all!

To Gray Davis, our current governor, I say dis: You are ter-min-a-ted, my friend!

Hasta la vista, baby! All your lawyers - they cannot save you!

I am coming to Sacramento for one reason: to wipe you out! Ah-nult has a new mission! Call it: "Violent Recall," baby!

We will take dis state from you! And den you will cry like a little girl. Boo-hoo-hoo!

My wife, Maria Shriver, she does not like when I talk like dat. But she is a Democrat. Soft. Silly.

"Talk nice to people, Ah-nult," she says. But dis is not a game!

What did my character, Dutch Schaefer, say in Predator? "If it bleeds, we can kill it!" Yes, dat's it exactly.

So to all da voters in California, I say dis: Don't make me hurt you. Vote for me in October.

Or else ... well, you know the old saying.

I'll be back.

Sun news researcher Shelia Jackson contributed to this article.

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
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ElectionsPoliticsGovernmentSatire (genre)Gray Davis
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