'Top Chef: Texas' recap: Episode 3, Quinceanera

Mother F------ Snakes, On These Mother F------ Plates."- Anne Marie Turner

If we learned anything from tonight’s episode of “

Top Chef: Texas

,” it’s that Padma could have had a lot more fun saying “I want to see some mother f------ snakes, on these mother f------ plates.” On the

Samuel L. Jackson

Scale of Badassness, one being

Deep Blue Sea

and ten being

Pulp Fiction

, Padma’s “mother f------” is a sold three. She needs to read @SamuelLJackson’s and @EllenBarkin’s Twitter feeds to get a better handle on her cursing.

But enough about dirty language, let’s jump into the first Quick Fire challenge that consisted of cooking rattlesnake! I may not be from Texas or the Southwest in general, but that can’t possibly be appetizing. No matter how much beer batter you cover that sucker, I still think that sucker is going to go all “Anaconda” on me.

The challenge rattles the nerves of some of the chef, but none more than Dakota. The reptile hater physically shakes at the thought of cooking snake. I could just feel Ty-Lör rolling his eyes at her. I think her freak out, though, was just a way to distract the other cheftestants, because Dakota ends up winning the first Quick Fire challenge and $5,000.

The first ellimination challenge is pretty straight forward. The chefs draw knives and separate into two teams, green and pink, in order to cook for 15-year-old Blanca Flores’ quinceañera. What’s a quinceañera you ask? Who better than Chuy, the self proclaimed resident Mexican of the green team, to explain this beautiful coming-of-age tradition for young Latino girls, “Only the women get to have quinceañeras, the guys are just taught to kill a goat.” Is that the bitter taste of resentment in the back of his mouth?

Anyway! Both teams must send chefs to San Antonio’s local (and most likely only)

Whole Foods

and a Mexican meat supplier. With separation comes second guessing. The pink team basically crumbles the moment miscommunication takes over.

Have they never heard the phrase quality over quantity? In order to save a dollar to the pound on shrimp, the team at the meat supplier gives Keith the go ahead to buy pre-cooked shrimp. That’s right, you heard me, PRE-COOKED SHRIMP! BLASPHEMY!

Keith you adorably giant man! Why did you have to speak up on this matter? I like you so much; you should just coast in the middle of the pack, and bust out your knives skill in episode seven knocking the Crocs off the other cheftestants! But alas no, he is a good guy, and makes a horrible suggestion that he will pay for later on in the episode.

Since the pink team is already doing a bang up shopping job, someone thinks that buying packaged flour tortillas is a good idea.

Let me get this straight. In challenge to cook authentic Mexican food for a Mexican celebration, you are going to buy the one component that is universal in all of your dishes? Dakota’s plan to cook boxed cake is a smarter. This is a cooking competition people! Stop cutting corners that will inevitably bite you in the butt!

Alas the green team rocks this elimination challenge. Other than Grayson’s attempt at mole (seriously everyone knows that too much cinnamon ruins a good mole), Team Chi-Town, and Jefe Chuy make thias team is unbeatable.

Since the pink team implodes, Sarah and Lindsay, who took control in the kitchen, must pay the consequence of leadership and face the judges along with Ty-Lör Boring, whose name I will honestly never tire of saying, and the big man, Keith.

With Keith’s inability to distinguish the importance difference between using corn tortilla vs flour tortilla, and the shrimp debacle from earlier, everyone’s favorite big guy was sent packing. Ah, Gigantic Teddy Bear, we hardly knew you. His parting words cut deep, “Dream big, dream hard, because dreams come true.”- RIP GTB.

So what did you think Top Chef Addicts? Did you think that Keith was fairly booted, or did Sarah deserve the heave-ho? Will Chris J ever take the sunglasses off the top of his head while cooking? Are you super excited to see a bunch of zombies cook chili next week? Leave your thoughts in the comment section below!

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