"Sorry." -- Eric NorthmanI think it's important to list the most frightening things about this crazy, muddled installment of "True Blood." Ready? In descending order:
5. A child-like Eric killing Sookie's fairy godmother (apparently when this happens to fairies they turn into melting Nazi soldiers a la "Raiders of the Lost Ark"). Although it was hilarious when Sookie told him to stop and all he did was grin and say "Sorry."
4. Marnie going all crazy cult-leader and pleading ("Pleeease") that her "savior" make her his conduit on Earth and "fill her up."
3. Jessica's creepy family-heirloom doll that looks like it will come alive and murder you with its dirtiness.
2. Lafayette pronouncing the word "is" as "eee-as"
1. The Marie Osmond Adora Belle Freida Fright doll.
Not sure what "True Blood" creator Alan Ball had in a mind with this episode, which he wrote. Maybe just to shock us? Maybe just to get us prepped for even more weirdness? Maybe to make the Jason-becomes-a-werepanther subplot seem less icky by comparison?
Well, at least we have a new "nice" Eric to balance things out. We're treated to a full 10 minutes or so of the Great 2011 Shirtless Eric Lost His Memory Talk with Sookie. As opposed to sly and aggressive Eric, we now have sweet, confused, funny Eric who ... tee-hee that cold water tickles his muddy feet.
Fans are no doubt swooning over sweet Eric. I personally like him with some balls. But his memory-wipe is pretty interesting fodder, not only setting up for a battle with Marnie but also a new type of relationship with Sookie (or "Snooki" as he calls her, one of the funniest moments of the season).
Everything seems to be revolving around Eric this season. Sookie is now protecting him and sitting up his digs in that fancy kitchen hutch. Lafayette, Tara and Jesus, scared of him, are trying to get the spell on him reversed (and avoid the wrath of Pam who says she gives them 24 hours to work that out or she'll "kill, eat and f--- all three" of them. We're left to wonder if Pam was right when she suggets that Bill sent Eric to the witch coven knowing it was a trap.
And now he has killed Sookie's fairy godmother, Claudine. And right after she told Sookie that it was her who gave her the power to fight off the Rattrays back in Season 1! Sidenote: How creepy was the death of Claudine? I'd really prefer fairies to die more naturally, minus the sharp fingernails.
I wonder what the repercussions with the Fae world will be? More of those bomb things they can shoot from their hands?
Maybe Marnie will join forces with the fairies since witch is officially out of her mind. If there had been any question of hat. No subtedly here from Mr. Ball. "Oh spirit, you are welcome here. I am not your enemy, I am your friend. I am in awe of your powerful magic. I am grateful you chose me as your conduit. I ask you to invade me and fill me up." And a huge slice across the wrist for good measure?
Take it down a notch, Marn.
In other This Episode Was Almost Unbearably Uncomfortable news, I would prefer to not see anymore of Crystal sexing up almost-werepanther Jason, especially with the whole hillbilly family looking on and grinning. My friend, Meekah, tweeted at me after the show to say she is "traumatized by the Jason gangbang," and I don't think she's alone. I almost paused to shower before I wrote this blog.
Well, to be fair, it was the werepanther plotline paired with the unholy duo of Maxine Fortenberry and Tommy Mickens that made me feel unclean, though Maxine's Marie Osmond doll fetish was not unexpected (P.S.: That Adora Belle Freida Fright doll is real).
More unexpected was hearing Sam say the following "Now tell Maxine about the natural gas or I will!" Really? Some sort of weird Maxine may have natural gas on her property subplot? And Tommy wants to get in on the deal?! What. Is. This. About.
See what I mean? What a weird mish-mash of unfortunate plots and weird events this episode, from Portia Bellefleur suddendly having a thicker Southern accent as she proposed getting together with Bill (who, by the way, is getting much action so far this season, but what's the point of this besides seeing some nudity. Oh, I just answered my own question) to the creepy scene of Jessica glamouring Hoyt so he'd forget that she just told him she fed on another guy.
Again, a shower is in order. I need one like addict Andy Bellefleur needs him some V.
MORE HIGHLIGHTS FROM "IF YOU LOVE ME, WHY AM I DYIN'?ALCIDE YOU LATER?: Good to see Alcide again (briefly) and his sexual tension with Sookie! And though I prefer a crazy white-trash Debbie Pelt, I'll take one who has reconciled with Alcide and is now clean and sober and serving Vienna sausages.
ORIGIN MYTH: Did anyone understand anything the werepanther clan matriarch was saying during his happy sunshine werepanther myth storytime? Ghost Mama? Ghost Daddy? Being eaten by a werepanther and then puking them out. Uh-huh. OK.
ICKIEST CRYSTAL LINE: "I'm going to be mama to all your baby cubs." *shudder*FOR "REALS": That interesting show-vampires-are-evil website vamps-kill.com? It's really online.
HARDEST-TO-RESIST ERIC LINE: "Would you like to be mine?"
LASTLY: Microsoft Works does not like it when I type "Maxine Fortenberry." They change it first to "Maxine Boysenberry" and then "Maxine Forte Berry." Maybe Bill Gates is frightened by her, too?
So what did you think of this odd episode? Do you have a creepy doll like Jessica's? On second thought, don't share that.Jordan Bartel is content editor at b. Email him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter,@jordanbartel.Copyright © 2015, Los Angeles Times