Question: What would happen if fund-raising gigolo Gray Davis devoted his talent toward erasing the state budget deficit?Answer: According to a study by the San Francisco Chronicle, Davis sucked in campaign donations at a rate of $1,800 an hour, 24 hours a day, for five consecutive years. That's $302,400 a week, or $15.7 million a year. At that pace he could pay off the deficit in 2,417 years. A speedier method would be for the Legislature to pass a bill authorizing state Treasurer Phil Angelides to visit BoDog.com, an offshore Internet gambling site, and place a $76-million bet on Gary Coleman's gubernatorial candidacy. If Coleman wins (he's considered a 500-to-1 longshot), the deficit would be history.Q: In a recent statement, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I have so much energy, I have so much fire. I will be going from home to home to talk to the people of California." I am eagerly awaiting my personal visit. When should I expect him?A: In order to reach all of California's 35 million residents, Arnold will need to visit 686,275 people a day between now and Oct. 6. If he relies on conventional transportation methods (such as walking, driving, or commandeering a space shuttle), it might be difficult. But if he is able to borrow Santa's sleigh, he should have no problem.Q: I am having trouble telling the difference between reality and comedy. For example, on TV the other night, Conan O'Brien told this joke: "Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. Not to be outdone, Gary Coleman announced his senior economic advisor will be Thurston Howell III." Then I read in the newspaper that Rob Lowe is becoming a senior advisor to Schwarzenegger. How can I sort out which advisors are real and which advisors are just actors playing advisors?A: Just because Rob Lowe is an actor doesn't mean he's a political amateur. In 1988, he had a front-row seat at the Democratic National Convention in Atlanta, where he also videotaped a sexual romp with two young women in a hotel room. Given the fact that Gray Davis is receiving advice from Bill Clinton, Schwarzenegger needs a seasoned political pro like Lowe to avoid giving Davis an edge.
"The White House has announced the capture of Al Qaeda's top terrorist in Southeast Asia, a Muslim cleric named Hambali. They had given up all hope of ever finding the guy and then, as luck would have it, he turned up on the California ballot for governor." (Argus Hamilton)
Sources: Adam Tschorn, David Allen, Samantha Bonar. "Recall Madness" runs on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays in Calendar. E-mail comments and questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times