While Paul Sullivan power-loafs in Uptown, Chicago's own Jeff Garlin pinch-hits with a very special edition of Ask Jeff. Here's Jeff's take on Prior vs. Zambrano, trade talk and whatever happened to the 'ol squeeze?
What's up Jeff? Who do you think will have a better career, Mark Prior or Carlos Zambrano, and why? -- Kevin Brown, Chicago
I assume you mean a career as a pitcher because I think Zambrano would make a better actor, a better comedian, and a better game-show host. Prior, with his calm demeanor, would make a better producer, writer, or director. Now, as a pitcher, Prior will have a career similar to that of Paul Reuschel and Zambrano reminds me of a young Ted Abernathy. Honestly, I don't have an opinion.
Greetings Jeff. Finally, someone with a sense of humor... Now on to trade talks. Do you think the Cubs should trade Patterson and Burnitz for Ichiro? -- Brad Roberts, Duluth, Ga.
Why not? What a great trade that would be for Cubs fans everywhere. We could also trade Henry Blanco and Todd Hollandsworth for Albert Pujols. That would also be a great trade.
How's your brother? He was a good guy. I knew him years ago from from camp. And nice singing on that Direct TV commercial. -- Robert Zale, Memphis
My brother's an artist. A surrealist. He lives in Sweden, and he wrote and directed that TV commercial.
Has Dusty Baker ever heard of the squeeze play? In three years as Cubs skipper, he has not once called for a safety or suicide squeeze. I lose count of the number of times the Cubs have gotten a fast runner to third only to have him stranded while batters pop up, strike out or hit into double plays. So what's to lose with the ol' squeeze play? -- Joe Lampinen, McHenry
I talked to Dusty about this and he told me "It's just plain ol' strategy." When the Cubs get to the World Series he's planning on only using the squeeze play -- even with a runner on second.
Jeff, should the Cubs again reel off another 8-game losing streak, could you enlist the services of your TV bride Susie Essman to provide a "motivational" speech? -- Tim Dwyer, Margate, Fla.
Not unless you want a 16-game losing streak.
I, for some unknown reason, still listen to Steve Stone on occasion. I know he aspires to be a big league GM or maybe second choice, field manager. How do you think he would handle 162 games a year being put under the microscope like every game was Game 7 of the World Series? -- Bill Kuehn, Clinton, Iowa
The unknown reason is that Steve Stone is great. I love Steve Stone. I wish he were still doing the Cub games. I think he aspires to get a good night's sleep and have some peace of mind. I know that's what I aspire to.
Do you think the team would consider trading Kerry Wood at the end of the season if he remains healthy? -- Jeffrey L. Wolber, Portersville, Pa.
Yes, they're going to package him and Sosa to Texas for A-Rod.
Jeff, who is your favorite all-time Cub? Who is your least favorite all-time Cub? If you had a time machine, what historical figure would you bring to Wrigley to sing the 7th-inning stretch? -- Bill Edwards, Minong, Wis.
My favorite all-time Cub is Ernie Banks. My least favorite all-time Cub is Barry Bonds. With a time machine, I'd get Adolf Hitler to sing. Then I'd kick the &#@! out of him and I wouldn't let him go back.
Hi Jeff. If you could pick any three players from other teams currently under .500 for the Cubs to acquire, who would you pick? -- Sam Lapin, Burlington, Ky.
Why don't we just switch franchises with the Devil Rays? I know Lou Piniella would love Chicago, and who doesn't love the Devil Rays? Go Devil Rays, go!
Where do you people get these questions?
Jeff: Love "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and your Sunday Ticket ads. What was it like dancing with Dick Butkus? And when will Curb be back for another season? -- Jordan Gold, Arcadia, Cal.
Thank you. Curb will be back with a brand new season on Sunday, Sept. 25. As far as dancing with Mr. Butkus, what you didn't see is during the breaks in filming we would slow dance to the song "Always and Forever" by Heat Wave.
I am currently deployed on an U.S. ship and I want you to know that I enjoy reading the articles related to the Cubs, Bulls, and Bears everyday. What I would like to know is: Are the Cubs likely to shop around for some bullpen help, and if so who is available? -- DeShaun Brown, Virginia Beach, Va.
Please keep safe, and in answer to your question, how am I supposed to know? I'm a fat comedian who lives in Los Angeles. If Jim Hendry lets me know, I'll let you know.
Hey Jeff, "What was the dumbest trade ever made in MLB?" Answer: Cubs trading Rafael Palmeiro, a future Hall of Famer, for Mitch Williams, a washed-up closer that no one will ever remember. -- Jack Garner, Oxford, Miss.
Question: What was the dumbest question ever given to me? Answer: Jack Garner's question.
Is there any possibility the Cubs are willing to get a Japanese player (like Iguchi of the Sox)? This would really increase the frequency that Cubs games will be telecast here. Just hoping! -- Mon Noceda, Philippines
I'm sorry, Mon, but the Cubs are not interested in Japanese players. However, they are looking for really great Filipino players, but that doesn't help you any.
Jeff, thanks for taking over the segment. How many wins do you expect the team to have at the end of the season? -- Zach Baliva, Burbank, Cal.
More than one and less than a thousand. Yeah, between one and one thousand -- I'm sure of it.
Jeff, welcome to this mess we like to refer to as "Cubdom." I really don't have a question for you since there are so few answers on the horizon ... like Paul I'm just power-loafing ... I'm one of the 15 percent Elia referred to on that glorious day so many years ago. -- Plainfield Pete, Plainfield
Dear Plainfield Pete, you're right, so few answers on the horizon. Oooohh, you are my zen master, Plainfield Pete. Good, 'ol Plainfield Pete. The man who knows there are no answers. Ooohh ... Plainfield Pete. The Cubs should trade Kerry Wood for you Plainfield Pete. My dear, dear Plainfield Pete.Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times