Ask Jeff Garlin

Who would you rather manage in real life, the Cubs or Larry David? --Nate Filzen, Menomonee, Falls, Wis.

Well let's see. One of them is worth hundreds of millions of dollars. One never ever calls for a suicide squeeze. One is on a large cable network. One has legions of fans. One is lovable despite constantly doing stupid things. Forget real life. I don't want either job.

I need to know where they imported that crowd from for Sunday's game and I hoped they sent them back to outer space. Doing the wave at Wrigley? I got so sick I had to turn away from the TV set. Please make them stop. --Marie Gaborik, Burlington, Wis.

I already have.

Do you prefer Italian Beef or Italian sausage? I figured I'd ask because no one is really following the Cubs anymore this season. So let's talk important things, i.e. seasoned, fatty meats. --John Glynn, Rogers Park

I prefer a malt from the old soda shoppe.

Why have the Cubs not won a World Series in 98 years? --Amir Zaiden, Birmingham, Ala.

Why do you live in Birmingham Alabama? Some things should never be investigated. You might not like what you find out.

I have a buddy who thinks Carlos Zambrano would be more valuable to the Cubs as an everyday player, say, in left field, than as a pitcher. What do you think? Is he the next Babe Ruth? --Vince Doyle, Sacramento, Calif.

I have a buddy who thinks that Mel Gibson would make a great Rabbi. We have stupid buddies.

Hi, Jeff, with some of the problems Mark Prior's experienced lately, like the strained oblique muscle, why don't the Cubs hire a consultant? I think they should get Tom House to check him out. After all, he's the guy who fine-tuned his delivery from Little League on up to the majors. --Toby McGuire, San Leandro, Calif.

That's a great idea. Really it is. Fantastic! I'll tell the Cubs. I'm calling Hendry now. While we're at it let's call Bill Johansen. He was Priors t-ball coach. Let's get back to where it all started.

What would you do with Kerry Wood and could you take George Wendt in the 40-yard dash? --Butch Brzeski, Chicago

I'd take Kerry Wood to a forest and set him free. Then I'd change my name legally to Butch Brzeski at that point I'd be ready to race George. He's quite fast.

How about putting Joe Girardi in the mix for manager? He and the Marlins owner don't see to see eye to eye. --Glen Stockman, Kennesaw, Ga.

Sure put him the mix. You know the mix already includes Tom Dreesen, Bert Weinman, Steadman Graham, Leo Durocher's ghost and the incomparable Dame Judi Dench. We can't lose.

If Larry David is named the new manager of the Cubs in 2007, what can we expect?

Free chocolate.

We've all heard rumors about Bob Brenly being a managerial candidate for next season, which would leave the Cubs without a color man. What are the chances of Sammy Sosa being brought in as either manager or color man? --Daniel Grace, Queens, N.Y.

I have inside info. The broadcast team next year will be, you heard it here first, Sammy Sosa, Ozzie Gullen (it's true) and Silent Bob.

Jeff, you seem to have a good sense of what the Cubs need. What do you think about having Greg Maddux come back as pitching coach, Mark Grace as hitting coach, Joe Girardi as manager and Andre Dawson as bench coach? --Darrell Webb, Paragould, Ark.

While we're at it, how about Don Kessinger as infield coach, Randy Hundley as bullpen coach, Adolfo Phillips as outfield coach, Carmen Fanzone as trumpet coach, and Courtney Culkin (Playboys Miss April 2005) just to hang around for team spirit.

If Felix Pie supposedly has five tools, what are they? --Mike Sankner, Cromwell, Conn.

Yes, he supposedly has five tools but actually he has many more. You can find him almost every day at Menards. And in your grocers freezer.

If you could invite one Cub to appear on "Curb Your Enthusiasm," which Cub would it be and why? --Ben, Tinley Park, Ill.

That's a tough one. I guess I would choose Rich Hill. Yes, Rich Hill. I believe if Rich Hill is on Curb we could stop world hunger. I'm now going to put on my bathing suit for the next part of the competition.

As a fan of considerable size, have you noticed the seats at Wrigley seem to be shrinking lately? Do you think it's a conspiracy by the Tribune Co. to pack more fans into the old ballpark, or am I just getting fatter as I get older? --Pat, Chicago

You, my friend, are a paranoid, fat old man.