When buying your booze, please reach for a Wirtz Beverage-distributed brand, so you can help defray
Drink once when …
Corey Crawford makes an A+ save
You think about making a
Marian Hossa does that shoulder thing and skates directly through a poor, poor defenseman
TV cameras catch fans on the glass staring at their damn phones instead of looking at the playoff hockey right in front of them and yes this really bothers me
Drink thrice when …
The Blackhawks kill another penalty
You actually verbalize that Oduya pun
Any TV bumper music used is from the band Thrice ("All That's Left"? Totally plausible, NBC Sports!)
Finish what you've got in hand when …
Eddie Olczyk says "for all you young hockey players out there …"
You get lost in
Andrew Shaw's body ends up in the other team's goal
If the game you're watching goes to a shootout—I have bad news. You've had far too much to drink, and today is Nov. 8. Everyone thought you were dead or in Mexico.
If the hot girl scores on both goals during Shoot the Puck, do a shot for every inch of her high heels.
Whenever the Blackhawks score on a particularly soft goal, yell "Hhhwwwwhudderyoodooooing?" and sip a fine California white wine, then steal a glance at yourself in the nearest mirror.
Don't drink and drive, and have a good time.
**NOT a valid excuse
RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720. @alexquigley