Weekly Rewind: Will the last coach please turn out the lights?

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Rewinding the week that was, in which Virginia hired a 15-time Grammy winner to rejuvenate its basketball program, the Chicago Bears landed a franchise quarterback (if only they can find a helmet big enough for his head), and we now return to Tiger Woods' regularly scheduled domination of the PGA Tour.

Tony Bennett named U.Va. coachHe will be expected to jump-start a team that has won only one NCAA tournament game since the mid-1990s. Or to put it another way: Since "E.R." was still good.

This just in: Engelbert Humperdinck has replaced Al Groh as the Cavaliers' football coach.

Mets' new stadium makes its debutWell, it's time to give up my "Save Shea Stadium, architectural treasure" campaign.

John Calipari leaves Memphis for KentuckyHe said every former UK coach he spoke with wouldn't trade his time in Lexington for anything. Hmm … every one? Must have caught Tubby Smith on a good day.

Bush tossing it around in TexasFormer president George W. Bush will throw out the first pitch of the Texas Rangers' home opener. Hopefully, he won't misunderestimate the distance between the mound and home plate.

Disgruntled QB Jay Cutler tradedSeriously, "disgruntled quarterback" has preceded Jay Cutler's name so often lately that fans wondered if it was a new position.

HU men's, women's hoops coaches goneLet's see: Since January, Hampton has either fired or lost Kevin Nickelberry (men's basketball), Walter Mebane (women's basketball) and Jerry Holmes (football). Should they just install a revolving door by the exit off Settlers Landing Road?

Lawson already a winner in DetroitAfter North Carolina guard Ty Lawson told reporters he won $250 playing craps, NCAA president Myles Brand said he would prefer athletes not gamble at casinos. Not until the NCAA figures out a way to cash in on it, at least.

New Yankee Stadium will cost youSome seats are going for $2,500, which general partner Hal Steinbrenner acknowledged "might be overpriced." Even Donald Trump agreed with him.

Future not so bright for the PiratesA team of their top prospects lost to Manatee Community College in an exhibition. It's as embarrassing as it sounds. But cheer up, Pittsburgh fans, the NFL's preseason is only four months away!

Sure, stop by the concession standThe Class-A West Michigan Whitecaps are offering what they call a Fifth Third Burger, which contains 299 grams of fat and 4,900 calories. If you eat the whole thing, the team will pay for your angioplasty.

UFC president goes on rantThough he used derogatory terms for women, homosexuals and those with mental disabilities, Dana White said feedback from Unlimited Fighting Championship fans has been "overwhelmingly positive." Then again, these same people like watching guys get their heads bashed in.

Tiger dramatically wins at Bay HillYour usual measurements for the green jacket, Mr. Woods?

Dave Johnson can be reached at 247-4649 or by e-mail at djohnson@dailypress.com.

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