I always wanted to run the NEA so I could fund only tacky bourgeois art, such as Precious Moments figurines, thimble collections, dogs playing poker, velvet Elvis paintings, "Scarface" mirrors from the gift shops by the beach, etc. I'd have a major retrospective on Norman Rockwell paintings and make Thomas Kinkade our painter laureate.

My plan was to so enrage liberals and other half-brights with status anxiety that they would finally join with conservatives in demanding the abolition of that ridiculous agency. Unfortunately, it now appears that I would be heralded as a curating genius. The highest priced living (con)artist ever, Jeff Koons, is famous for exactly the Precious Moments kitsch I would have funded for the express purpose of bringing the NEA into disrepute (see and the Guggenheim has already hosted a Norman Rockwell retrospective (see

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