As "The Bachelorette" winds down, we're already looking forward to the next batch of hopeless romantics ("Bachelor Pad" starts July 23 featuring Kalon and his butt chin).
We got a sneak peak last Thursday at the Bachelor/Bachelorette casting call. Though I don't think anyone from Baltimore made the cut, it was a sight to see: hundreds of girls in their smallest dresses and highest heels, and a handful of guys with no clue.
I think a few of them thought they were auditioning for "My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding."
This week, Emily visits the hometowns and meets the families of the final four bachelors -- Chris ("Lieutenant Dan"), Jef with one f, Sean ("Biceps") and Arie ("Speed Racer").
Lieutenant Dan -- Chicago, Il.
Sarah: Emily meets Chris' parents and two sisters for dinner, but there are no tough questions or awkward silences. Though I did notice that Emily's new teeth are way too big for her face.
Chris: When Chris mentioned that his dad is Polish, I was hoping for Frank Sabotka (from "The Wire"), but instead he looked like he was from the video game "Streets of Rage." The evening concludes with a surprise Polka party. Unfortunately, Weird Al did not make an appearance.
Jef with on f -- St. George, Ut.
Sarah: Jef's parents do not return home from their "charity work" in South Carolina to meet Emily. This doesn't bode well since Jef broke up with his last girlfriend after his parents did not approve. She met his brother and two sisters, as well as their husbands, wives and bazillion children. I couldn't tell if they were in a state park or on his parents' property, but it was beautiful. I'd marry into that even if the family were crazy.
Chris: I'm surprised (and glad) Jef's siblings have the correct amount of letters in their names. Jef writes a vomit-inducing letter and reads it to Emily because he assumes she's a functioning illiterate.
Speed Racer -- Scottsdale, Az.
Sarah: Subtitles, please! I didn't realize Arie was Dutch -- his parents' accents were straight out of a James Bond movie. His mom took Emily aside and asked her the million-dollar question: Why is she the bachelorette if she was proposed to less than a year ago? Of course her answer was vague and probably a lie -- something about not being the same person as Brad. Though on intelligence level, I'd say they're right on par.
Chris: When Emily and Arie's mom sat down on the bed, I was hoping they would make out. Now I can see why he was worried about Emily meeting his parents -- the "American Pie" character of Stifler's mom had to have been inspired by Arie's mom.
Biceps -- Dallas, Tx.
Sarah: Sean and Emily break every public park rule in the first 30 seconds of their date: Dogs off leashes, picking wildflowers and drinking alcohol. She meets his perfect family in the most well-manicured yard I've ever seen (they even had a playhouse modeled after their estate for the granddaughter, the size of a Mt. Vernon studio, complete with AC and a fireplace). Sean decides this is a great time to play a joke and tells Emily that he still lives with his parents. He even shows her his "room." I wish it wasn't a joke.
Chris: I think the joke was a test to see how Emily would react. She failed. It would be in Sean's best interest if he went home tonight.
Final Four Rose Ceremony
Sarah: YES!! Chris got the boot! A friend (who read the online spoiler) told me I would be really mad at who won at the end. Now that he's gone, I don't care who she picks.
Chris: Maybe she was worried that he would look like his dad in 20 years. His closing limo speech was a tad too aggressive -- let's hope his job doesn't send him to Charlotte on business anytime soon.
The Final Three
Arie, 30 "Speed Racer" -- The polka was a bit much, but at least your mom dresses like a mom.
Jef with one f, 27 -- Does he have the Benjamin Button disorder? He was 27 when the show started, but now he's approaching 13.
Sean, 28 "Biceps" -- Even with the crappy jokes he pulled, he's still my favorite. Though for real, he needs to stop chasing her down the street.