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'Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: Happily never after

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Last week we learned that adult children of divorce will almost always revert to childish behaviors. Case in point, Briana, the daughter previously known as The Most Reasonable Person in Orange County, dissolved into a impertinent, recalcitrant, petulant brat upon meeting her mother’s boyfriend. This week Briana grows up and fights like a big girl … but we’ll get there soon enough.

Elsewhere in the O.C., there are tiaras to be worn and bling to be bought as Alexis goes all out for her little princesses, and Slade decides to declare Gretchen his queen.

Alexis’s twin daughters are turning 4 and she decides to throw a “Princess Puppy Party”. The theme of the day is fairy tales (I’m sorry - I can’t. The irony here is just too rich).  Not to be upstaged by her daughters as the focus of the day, Alexis decides that a successful party means she “really can do it all”. Never mind that it took her, her husband, a caterer, a personal assistant, an event stylist, and an in-home spray tanning specialist to get it done – let’s just chalk that all up to Alexis.

You would think that the inanity and insanity of the party reached it’s peak when, after her 6-year-old son (Knight James) adorably announces the entrance of his sisters (“the baby princesses are coming!”), Alexis still can’t quite let go of the spotlight. She chooses this precise moment to tell the tale of the girls’ delivery. To a room full of 4 year olds. She used words like Coumadin, Demero, and embolism, while explaining that she almost died. I’m all for birth control lessons, but let’s at least wait until elementary school! The kids at the party looked exactly the way everyone in the Fox 5 viewing area looks like when Alexis speaks: a collective WTF?!

But that wasn’t even the worst part - the real crazy starts when she tells all the kids at the party that the puppies all need homes and they should beg their parents to take one! Seriously?! I’m not even a parent and I can tell that Alexis is the mother next door you hate. I am sure that in her Bravo blog, Alexis will state that no four year olds or puppies were harmed in the taping of her daughters’ birthday party. And I’m pretty sure that Andy Cohen commissioned a second printing of his new memoir “Most Talkative” to dispute that. For legal reasons of course.

And what is a RHOOC episode these days without the obligatory gross-out medical scene? We’ve had nose jobs, boob jobs – what’s left?! Well, tonight Tamra gets the tattoo of Simon’s name surgically removed from her finger. We get to see the flap of skin in it’s full disgusting glory, but the gross part is that Tamra has nervous diarrhea. And she keeps announcing it.

Later, Vicki just can’t control herself anymore. She visits her daughter Briana to discuss Briana’s rude behavior towards Brooks. This is, in fact, justified. However, Vicki makes the fatal, yet common mistake every unreasonable person makes when arguing with a reasonable person – she defends herself by attacking others. Vicki attempts to deflect legitimate concerns about Brooks with an assault on Briana’s new hubby Ryan. Vicki says that “the Internet says” Ryan was married while Briana was dating him. Briana deftly shoots this down and warns Vicki not to go there with the Internet because she doesn’t want to start dropping dimes on good ol’ Brooks. Vicki spits out her trademark “Fine, bring it on” and boy, does she!  Briana channels DMX and brings it on like WHOA!!! Brian rained down some Mohammed Ali-style blows: he’s got four kids by three women, he doesn’t pay child support, he went to jail for that and for DUIs! This was a knockout in any referee’s book and Vicki’s only comeback is “Shut up! We don’t say that!” Please note: this is not a denial…

Surprise of the Night:

•••• Gretchen visits Heather on “Billionaire Row” and confides in Heather her doubts about marrying Slade. I am shocked because Gretch is a better than average spotter of BS and those who spew it. But the real surprise is that Heather doesn’t respond with “oh, you’re so cute!” She was supportive and almost like a real friend.

Not So Surprising:

•••• Heather didn’t get the part she auditioned for a few weeks ago. And she spins her lack of talent into this being best for her family. It’s true that filming would have taken a toll on her family’s schedule, but that’s the kind of thing you think about before you audition. Especially when you tell everyone you meet you are an ack-tress, dahling.

•••• Tamra uses her tattoo removal to manipulate Eddie into saying he was going to buy her a ring.

•••• Slade goes shopping for an engagement ring and after seeing the full complement of yellow canary stones, asks if he can see something in an imitation stone.

Did you experience shock and awe this episode? Tell me about it in the comments below and be sure to follow me on Twitter, @MutesVoice.

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
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