I'm pretty sure
Here's a quick summary of what went down tonight:
A hate group recruiting Hoyt, who suddenly is a really, really bad person.
The smoke monster chuckling.
Pam sporting crimped hair.
Lafayette has his lips sewn shut by Jesus' witchcrafty family.
Sam Merlotte sniffing around like a bloodhound.
Jason shooting Jessica in the head.
Oh, and Lilith rising from blood like Carrie and blowing blood mist while sounding like a wounded baby raptor from "Walking With Dinosaurs."
I don't even know where to begin. Sure, there were funny moments. But when the best moments/lines involve a crazy hate group, you know your episode is beyond messed up.
Let's start with the Authority, since most of this beyond bizarre, often creepy episode centered on the newly Roman-less group. Sanguinista leaders Salome, Nora and Russell are gleeful and plan a superfun, superserious ceremony.
To drink the blood of Lilith! That Nordic chancellor dares to debate whether this is a good idea and Russell dispatches him immediately, so the other chancellors are all about this. Steve Newlin: "I'm like a tree in the wind, I'm just happy to be here." Yes, he's still folksy in the face of drinking Lilith.
Bill and Eric don't want to do it (they're as tired of this religious Sanguinista stuff as the rest of us), but for some reason they do. I assume they were forced, but Eric does say that nothing will happen to them (
Bad move. But somewhat fun for the viewer, as the group goes on a non-mainstreaming rampage through Bourbon Street. Actually, it was funny that no one noticed how tripped out they were on Lilith blood while walking down the road. Except for that poor cabbie, who had to deal with the high Eric saying they aren't going to take him being a human any longer (cabbie just honked to get you out of the way, Eric).
This wasn't going to end well. The group ends up at a bar's private party. We're not sure what this party is, but it features a young girl singing "You Light Up My Life." Is this a debutante thing? Either way, it was hilarious to see Russell join in the duet before he's recognized and all hell breaks loose.
I mean, "You Light Up My Life' breaks out the worst in everyone, but still. It doesn't mean you have to murder a whole New Orleans party (even if it is lame).
Then, the ridiculousness. The gang sees a drop of blood fall slowly, and then, Lilith (a very, very naked Lilith rise from the blood). She's attractive as one can be when they appear born from blood.
She walks around, slowly. She makes weird animal sounds. She breaths mist on Nora who's feeding on someone. Then sure, why not have Godric appear to Eric to say how wrong this all is.
It was just a tad bit too much. "True Blood" has done crazy stuff before, but this was almost like a parody of itself. Also, couldn't have Godric given his words of advice, say, before the group drank Lilith's blood or even before they walked into the party?
Yuck, where does this Sanguinista thing go from here? Next stop, a bachelor party in Baton Rouge?
IS WAR BREWING?: Because of all of this, are we gearing up for a Lilith-y vampires vs. humans vs. werewolf war. JD, Alcide's current pack leader thinks so, so he drinks vampire blood and offers it to Nora's daughter, Emma, which really pisses off Martha (meanwhile Alcide, in a sweet headband, is in training with Rikki to take over the pack master role. Also, he falls on Rikki a lot and tries to kiss her).
Other wars? The shifter assassins (who also hate vampires!). Actually, the hate group had some of the best lines of the episode. The recruit Hoyt (who knows some of them from childhood) and convince him that the hate group is the best life path for him. "Hate groups is more about hate," they tell him.
"I feel more love and acceptance in this hate group than I hate at church or basketball," Hoyt says.
When they learn that Junior, the shop owner Sam shot, is dead, Hoyt is all about donning one of the Obama masks and getting all hate-y.
Watching Sam battle these people is unintentionally funny. Seriously, he sniffs around all the time and says he smells "Bad diets. All hate and envy." Um, sure. Just watching him sniff in the air makes me shake my head. He eventually tracks one of the hate group members in the hospital and starts to beat him up. And sniff him.
UGH, MORE SMOKE MONSTER: Arlene is still mourning Terry leaving her (she watches a cute wedding video that looks like it was shot on VHS in 1992), while Terry and Patrick are ... waiting in a field for the smoke monster to find them.
It does and laughs at them and then smokes itself away. Terry has had it and puts a gun to his chin before Patrick rattles off his children's names and says that "suicide is for Muslims," and Terry doesn't go through with it.
I don't know what offended me more: Patrick saying "suicide is for Muslims" or
TARA'S NEW JOB!: "You're a much better pole dancer than a bartender," Pam tells Tara at Fangtasia. Sure, she looks happy doing it. And vampires make good pole dancers (they get up to the top quickly!).
But Tara's new pole dancing happiness is shut down by a visit from her mother, Lettie Mae, who tells her that as a minister's wife, her vampire daughter is dead to her now.
As Tara usually does, she acts hard and bares her fangs. She later is found crying in Pam's office before Pam actually gives her a hug. Really, Pam hugged Tara. And Pam's hair, for some reason, was crimped.
POOR LAFAYETTE: He's saddled with a (yes, again) ridiculous storyline where he's trying to find out what's the deal with Jesus' head visiting him and trying to talk.
So sure, why not go to visit his crazy witchcraft family? He goes to the Chicken Shack and sees Jesus' head and his witchcraft uncle (grandfather? who cares) who says that Jesus betrayed his family when he gave Lafayette his magic power.
So he ties him up, sews his lips shut and says "my wife will drink the blood I collect from your brain." Instead the pregnant wife stabs her husband repeatedly and then cuts the stitches from Lafayette's lip. So ... that happened.
JASON GOES NUTS: Look Jason, I know it's a lot to deal with, learning that your parents were actually killed by vampires. But it doesn't give you the right to shoot Jessica in the head when she kisses you and you taste a strangers blood. Gross, sure. But don't go shooting her.
WHERE'S SOOKIE?: It's odd how Sookie has been pushed to the sideline this season. She learns from Claude that her fae powers are finite so she thinks about how awesome it will be to just be a normal human. She ends up shooting light out of her hands over and over again to perhaps get rid of it once and for all.
Yes, it's as boring as it sounds. On Twiiter, @BougieLa said, "I wish Sookie's power would malfunction and she d blow herself up."
My thoughts exactly.
MOST RANDOM SCENE: Andy is freaking out about these assassins, as though he's never had to deal with crazy stuff in Bon Temps before (Maryann the Bull anyone?), so he goes to the former sheriff for advice.
The sheriff doesn't want to help because he'd rather go in the hottub with his lady and try out a new male enhancement ointment.