ANTM All-Stars Episode 5: Clash of the models

The girls played a game of flag football for charity (but really for a challenge) and had a "bitch fight" (Tyra's words, not mine) with a legit model.

There were screams and blurred-out butt cracks, plus eliminated all-stars came back for all of two seconds. So, who got their ass kicked? Read on.


Fierce football

For this week's challenge, the ladies played a friendly (read: really harsh and painful-looking) game of flag football in two teams — red and blue — all in the name of charity and getting a fierce photo. Brittany Gastineau and Julie Henderson, a "fiercely real" model, were there, too, for reasons unknown other than name-dropping.

Twist No. 1: All the past eliminated models from this cycle were brought back. Even though they all had a combined screen time of half a nano-second, they actually played ... I think. Twist No. 2: NFL players I've never heard of from teams that most people don't care about (except the Patriots) also played. And guess what? The two players on the winning team got $5,000 each to give a charity of there choice. Since they didn't name which charities got the moo-lah, I'm left to believe that it all went to George Costanza's Human Fund or Tyra's fedora savings. Twist No. 3: When a flag was thrown, certain models had to quickly pose with one of the players for a photo. Just like real life.

Sides got jabbed with elbows, teeny tiny bikini bottoms kept riding up and in the end the blue team won, whatever that means. Kayla had the best photo. Goooooooooo, team! I mean, Kayla!

For her awesome sportmanship and ability to wrap her leg around a football player, Kayla won jewelry from Gastineau's own line (yay?) and a photoshoot directed by my favorite cape-wearing older gentleman, Andre Leon Talley, for Tyra's website, Let's just asumme the "f" is for "fierce" and not another "f" word.

Go for the extensions!

More name dropping! International supermodel Coco Rocha made an appearance for the photo shoot in which the girls got to fake a bar fight — in pairs — with a model Angelea described as "the queen of posing."

Everything goes swimmingly until Angelea breaks down because she's not doing well. Oh, models. They're just like us with their insecurities. Mr. Jay basically tells her that haters gonna hate so don't let it get to her. She turns it out after their little heart-to-heart. Jay and his silver hair succeed again.

Bre and Alexandria's shoot is the strangest. Alex writhes on the floor while making faces she thinks equals being pulled by the leg and Bre SCREAMS ALL THE TIME so it looks as though she's actually fighting or whatever. Instead, she just scares the hell out of Coco. Don't you know you're not supposed to terrify the talent?

Fight the good fight

At panel, Coco is there in all of her model glory and made me feel quite inferior for never being able to grow as long or shiny of a ponytail as she has.

Kayla and Allison's pic is decent. So is Shannon and Bianca's, even though B has a weird snarly face going on. The judges like snarly faces, apparently. Laura and Angelea pulled out a good pic, too.

Alexandria and Bre's photo is the panel's least favorite. Alex is just lying on the floor (but has good body language) and Bre is screaming her head off.

Lisa and Dominique are the favorite for their modelesque poses and connection with Coco. Dominique is called first for best photo, and Lisa is second.

In the bottom two? Alex and Bre, duh. Tyra says each girl lacks the power and passion that they were known for in their respective cycles. Bre gets the axe. I wonder, who will have Bianca's back now?

Best quote of the night goes to ...

Kayla for her depiction of lesbians: "We all have to win at sports."