Smize, booty tooch, H to T — I can handle all of these catchphrases Tyra comes up with because they actually have to do with modeling.
But tonight, she went one step too far: pot ledom. Yes, that's "top model" backwards. Why? Because she's freakin' Tyra Banks and can do whatever she wants.
Fortunately for us viewers, with a terrible, horrible, no-good catchphrase came amazingly ridiculous music videos with viral video star Keenan Cahill and Tyra with crazy pigtails. Oh man, so good.
For one model, her video went beyond the "so bad it's good" line over into "please someone gouge out my eyes" territory. Who was it? Read on.
Let's write some songs
At the house, Mr. Jay states the obvious: if you want to be huge, you need a viral video. But, apparently he doesn't really know the definition of viral video because the girls are asked to write songs in 20 minutes and later on make music videos. Think Rebecca Black but with a larger budget and less grating. Whoever wins the challenge gets to have a loved one flown in to the house.
Music tracks written just for them are given to the girls so they can write their lyrics in 20 whole minutes. Alexandria seems to think even masterpieces can be written in that short of a time period. Though, I have to disagree, since her song is called "Go, go go."
Lisa, who has written songs since appearing in cycle 5, writes a dance/rap song that may or may not be awful. Allison gets stuck, but then pours her tiny little heart out in a song about her father who died last year.
Experienced Lisa wins the challenge and her surprisingly quiet fiance, Adam, comes to visit. They're so cute together it makes Lisa look less insane and I kind of like her a little more.
In the studio ...
The models go to record their songs at a studio but TWIST! Tyra gives the orders to have each girl incorporate the words "pot ledom" into each song. Pot ledom, of course being top model backwards, clearly a natural fit for every single song.
Lisa, Dominique and Angelea kill it in the studio. Shannon and Laura? Stick to your day jobs, ladies. My girl Allison is a nervous wreck before she goes at it, but pulls it together and sings a synthpop meets Bird and the Bee with a hint of Bjork type song. Alexandria pretends to be Lady Gaga with giant sunglasses and blond bangs, and sings a dance song that I still have in my head even as I type this.
Ready, set, GAME!
When you think of directing models in a music video, who comes to mind? The rapper Game, of course. In yet another awkward and pointless twist, Tyra comes to set in a neon yellow leotard saying "POT LEDOM" along with pint-sized viral star Keenan Cahill. She says the two will make cameos in each video as pseudo-backup singers. Um ... sure.
Dominique looks like a cross between Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez in her video but drops it one too many times like it's hot for Game's taste. Poor, poor Alexandria is stiff as she dances next to a car and just shakes her hips a bit. Shannon is still boring as hell, even when she sings about being in love with her husband (yawn). Lisa gets to be her crazy self and does a great job while Laura pretends to be a 14-year-old girl writing in her diary in her bedroom. Angelea awkwardly dances near a wooden elevator fence in corset (like you do) and Allison looks like a creepy demon/ghost in a swing while holding a stuffed bunny rabbit. But it works! Is there anything that girl can't do?
Cue the ridiculous music videos
Game is the guest judge on the panel and gives insight as to what went on during the shoot. We get to see the finished products, complete with Tyra and Keenan cameos, and they're so weird and out of place that I love it and kind of wish the entire video was of the two lip-synching.
Dominique has the most realistic music video. Angelea looks like a sad panda in hers and I just know she's going to be in the bottom two. Alexandria's video is so uncomfortable that I nearly turned the channel before realizing I actually had to watch it. Shannon looks like Faith Hill, but minus the talent plus crazy eyes. Lisa has gun-shaped sunglasses and looks as though she's been doing this for years, which she probably has. Allison's creepy vibe works and the song isn't half bad. Game, rightfully so, gushes over Allison because she's amazing like that.
My girl is called first with Lisa coming in second. With no real surprise, Angelea and Alexandria are in the bottom two with Alex eventaully being sent home. Let's all hope and pray she doesn't pursue a career in music.
The best one-liners:
And there were A LOT of good ones this episode.
From Lisa's song "I Be Like Whoa": "In case y'all aren’t wizards, pot ledom is top model spelled backwards." Even Gandalf would probably have trouble with that one.
Tyra on music videos: "Now people are hearing music with their eyes." Can I taste colors, too?!
Game on Alexandria during her music video shoot: "Not enough time to put oil in the Tin Man."Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times