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'90210's' AnnaLynne McCord describes sexual assault in essay

Annalynne McCordSexual Assault
AnnaLynne McCord on rape: 'I felt so disoriented and numb'
'90210' star says Naomi's rape scene hit close to home, she 'broke down, sobbing uncontrollably'
'Don't put yourself in a box. Don't let the polite lies of society silence you' -- AnnaLynne McCord on rape

"Dallas" star AnnaLynne McCord has gone into "spiritual warrior mode" to inspire other victims of sexual assault to find their voices.

The "90210" alum wrote an essay for the July issue of Cosmopolitan detailing how she was raped at 18 by a close friend when she was living in Los Angeles.

"At first, I felt so disoriented and numb, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I wondered if I had done something to give him the wrong idea. I felt afraid of making him angry. Believe it or not, I didn't want to offend him," she said. "I just wanted it to be over. My childhood had come back to haunt me again: Because of the physical abuse, I didn't believe there were borders between other people's bodies and my own. I didn't believe I had a voice."

McCord, now 26, also described her extremely sheltered childhood in Georgia in which she endured "painful" and ritualistic punishments from her conservative parents that led her to push men to be violent toward her.

The former model said she went dark after the rape and started cutting herself years later when she was working on "Nip/Tuck." McCord said she tried to kill herself, thinking she'd be "doing everyone a favor." She later got professional help and began helping rape victims in Cambodia.

But during her "90210" reboot, her character Naomi was also raped and the actress had to deliver an intense scene in which Naomi was fighting with an unsupportive friend about the asssault. That's when McCord "broke down, sobbing uncontrollably." 

"My castmates thought I had done a great job playing the part," she wrote. "They had no idea that I had actually been sexually assaulted by someone I knew in real life."

The actress has since started a poetry website, remained close with her family and plans to go on a college speaking tour. She also said that she now has a "profound intimacy" with her new boyfriend, Dominic Purcell, whom she loves and has "wonderful, mind-blowing sex" that no longer causes her "guilt or shame."

"I have my message for women and girls: You have a voice," she wrote. "Don't put yourself in a box. Don't let the polite lies of society silence you. Honestly, I would endure everything all over again; it has led me to my own revolution."

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
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Annalynne McCordSexual Assault
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