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The End of the World, Tuesday Edition.
Hey, kids. Amid reports that North Korea has produced a miniaturized nuclear warhead, late-night television hosts had a thing or two to say about that Tuesday night.
"Hear me, American imperialist dogs," Kim was made to say. "War is on your doorstep. In fact it is already standing in your breakfast nook. Soon you will pay dearly for these new sanctions. Because our glorious missiles can now reach Chicago. Goodbye, Wieners Circle on Clark Street.
"And these missiles are equipped with miniaturized nuclear warheads, built by the tiny hands of our toddler workforce. But it's cool, they are union. In addition, I also have three dragons. The Unsullied call me Kim-Leesi, the Uncle of Dragons. Together we will engulf your urban centers in hellfire.
"But before I bring you righteous death, I am taking a quick 17-day vacation at my golf resort in Pyongyang. It's a great place to shoot golf or an uncle. But make no mistake, it's a working vacation. I will still be making every effort to destroy the world."
Colbert returned to the subject in his monologue: "I don't want to be alarmist," he began, "but we're all going to die."
He pointed out that 15 countries had joined in the sanctions, but North Korea was focusing its rhetoric on the United States.
"Look, North Korea, stop trying to make us a thing, all right," said Colbert. "I'm not saying what we have isn't special, but it isn't exclusive…. Maybe you should start threatening other countries too."
Then he pivoted toward a rom-com trope: "Maybe the country you really want to annihilate has been right in front of you the whole time."
Addressing Trump's "fire and fury" comments, delivered from his New Jersey club, where the American president actually is on a 17-day vacation, Colbert said, tremulously, "Shut up! You'll get us all killed. And I just started 'The Handmaid's Tale.'"
"Today started as a beautiful summer day here in L.A.," said Jimmy Kimmel on "Jimmy Kimmel Live," "and suddenly I was on Google searching ways to survive a nuclear attack. FYI, there are no ways, it turns out."
Kimmel sent a roving reporter out to Hollywood Boulevard to see whether passersby could even locate North Korea on a map. Statistically speaking it is not hard to find people unable to answer this question; one assumes that those who could were left out for the sake of comedy. Some located it in the Middle East, some in the general vicinity of Canada.
"You want a hint?" the interviewer asked one person. "It's right above South Korea."
Kimmel later singled out one of these respondents in his studio audience. "Where are you from, or do you even know?" he asked her.