I know where you were Friday night. The same place as I was, seated in a movie theater, laughing yourself stupid watching "Dumb and Dumber To." (I saw you. I waved. Repeatedly. Why didn't you wave back?)
I've already seen the movie three times. The first viewing, I remained in my seat after the lights came up, settling in for an immediate follow-up. You too, right? We've been waiting 20 years! An usher then approached and told me I had to leave. I started pelting him with Gummi Bears, just like Tyler Perry did to Ben Affleck in "Gone Girl." You know, that was a good movie too, and I usually don't like Ben Affleck. Except for that scene in "The Rock" when he ate animal crackers off Liv Tyler's stomach. (In case you haven't noticed, I like it when movies incorporate snacks into their plots. It's like my two favorite things ... combined!)
FOR THE RECORD:
Film sequels: The On Film column in the Nov. 16 Calendar section about ideas for comic-duo film sequels said Ben Affleck ate animal crackers off Liv Tyler's stomach in "The Rock." The Affleck film that included that sequence was "Armageddon."
And sure, you could complain as much as I have over the years (I write a lot of letters because who doesn't like getting mail?) that it took two decades to find out whether Jeff Daniels would come down with another case of explosive diarrhea. Or you could just be thankful that Hollywood finally listened and the courts lifted that restraining order against me. (To answer that previous question about getting mail: Jim Carrey, that's who!)
With "Dumb and Dumber To" in theaters, it's now time to turn our attention to making sure Hollywood brings back other great comic duos. And because the clock is ticking, I've put together the following suggestion list. Feel free to use any/all of these ideas, though, if you do, I would ask for fair compensation. In fact, if you're reading this and can loan me $500 right now, that would be great. I promise to pay you back promptly when one of these movies gets made.
'Swingers 2: Still Money After All These Years'
Jon Favreau's Mikey moved back to New York because we know that girl dumped him five minutes after the movie ended. He's miserable, living in Brooklyn, working in an artisan ice cream shop where he rides a bike to churn the cream. However many calories he loses he puts right back on eating all that ice cream. (Curse that employee discount!) Then Vince Vaughn shows up, tells Favreau to shave off that handlebar mustache and five minutes later they're driving a taco truck to VEGAS BABY!!!
'White Men (Still) Can't Jump'
Because they're, what, 50 now, and if they couldn't jump when they were 30, they sure as hell can't jump now. Until, that is, they meet a genie played by Shaquille O'Neal and then faster than you can say "Kazaam," these guys are joining the Lakers, balling with Kobe and bringing an NBA championship back to Los Angeles!
'Tango & Cash 2'
Honestly, I don't remember what this movie was about or even who was in it. It's just the names: Tango. Cash. That's a sequel right there. We'll work out the details later.
'All the President's Men II'
While putting together a listicle on "27 Cats Dressed Up as Bunny Rabbits," two journalists stumble onto a vast political conspiracy when they notice that one of the pictured cats is sporting not rabbit ears but a grenade launcher that they trace to a shadowy government contractor. When pressured by the White House to reveal their source, they do ... but not before firing off an indignant email and making sure that the rabbit is relocated with a new identity.
'Bill & Ted's Unspeakably Sad Experience with Today's Public School System'
Our heroes, now single dads with kids of their own in high school, travel back in time to ask our nation's founders why teachers unions hate their children and, by extension, America. Also, they get explosive diarrhea after sampling Martha Washington's oyster stew.
'Beverly Hills Cop 4: Keeping Up with the Kardashians'
Yes, they say they're making a "Beverly Hills Cop 4." But mine's better – and cheaper, because you don't need Eddie Murphy. It starts when the diamond tiara belonging to Kim's cat goes missing and ends with Judge Reinhold triumphantly announcing: "Case. Closed." In between: Laughter, tears and a really long, loud public argument about whose turn it is to change the litter box that is (and you're going to have to trust me on this) more entertaining than you can possibly imagine!
'Sideways 2: Little Old Beer Drinker, Me'
This one will just focus on the crazy Thomas Haden Church character. Forget the sad sack. We'll replace him. (Maybe with the guy who played Tango?) And we're losing the wine thing too. This time, it's an Oktoberfest pub crawl. Everybody's insane! And happy! No moping allowed!