** (out of four)
Suggested magazine advertisement for Dr. Robert Ledgard (Antonio Banderas):
Dr. Robert Ledgard, brilliant(ly unstable) plastic surgeon
>> Specializes in working with burn victims. May or may not have contributed to the burning.
>> Developing artificial, impervious-to-disease skin. One in one test subject used against her will (Elena Anaya) agrees that progress has been promising.
>> Deceptively mild mannered. Often engages in Pedro Almodovar-style melodrama but may also be a fan of “The Human Centipede.” Combination has been known to make clients feel his life is cold and unfocused. Proceed at your own risk.
>> Tragic past. Don’t mention his wife. Or his daughter.
>> If you ask him his story, he’ll tell you, but not in chronological order. This may get him mixed up and result in an awkward declaration of, “Back to the present.”
>> Opium user. Hope that’s not a problem. Minimal impact on his behavior.
>> Not ideologically opposed to garden orgies. However: Leave his family members alone, or you’ll be sorry.
>> Disclosure: Dr. Ledgard does not guarantee the sensibility of his procedures. He does good work, but madness does not breed efficiency.
For more information, call 1-800-Too-Long or visit www.AlmodovarDoesn’tKnowWhatToDowithThisSubjectMatter.com.
Watch Matt on “You & Me This Morning,” Fridays at 7:30 a.m. on WCIU, the Umpais@tribune.com. @mattpais