By Amy Kaufman
4:05 AM PDT, June 19, 2012
Ah, ye olde Croatia. Land of frigid temperatures, where stray cats roam free. A place where old men are uninhibited, accosting American tourists on the street with random family photos. A country in which dudes wear kilts.
Wait, kilts? That's Scotland. But as part of a shameless promotion for Disney's new animated film "Brave" -- which is set in Scotland -- Emily's suitors wore man-skirts while shooting bows and arrows.
Emily donned quite an elaborate wardrobe herself in Croatia, breaking out sequined gowns and a trophy-colored dress. Where such items of clothing came from is a mystery, however, since we only saw her lug one small roller bag into her hotel room, which apparently no crew member offered to help her carry. As if she could even fit her make-up into that thing.
Since it only took her five minutes to unpack, Emily quickly headed out on her first date with Travis -- the guy we'd barely remember if it hadn't been for that gimmicky ostrich egg he brought on the first night. Em and Travie McCoy didn't seem to share much in common, though they both liked cross sculptures and gelato, which our Southern Belle called ice cream.
While wandering the cobbled streets, the pair shared scintillating conversation, trading thoughts on important life questions like: "Do you like the mountains or the beach better?"
At dinner -- where, of course, no actual food was consumed -- things only got worse. Travis said he hadn't been on a date in two years, since he and his former fiancee called off their engagement, which was clearly actually true. Emily gave him the sad eyes and told him she didn't feel a romantic spark between them, and so poor Travis walked out dejected into the rain, tossing his umbrella to the ground and letting the water wash away his man tears.
But turn that frown upside down, guys, because we're about to go see "DISNEY/PIXAR'S 'BRAVE'!"
Upon hearing that news, Emily's group of twentysomething suitors appeared totally stoked to head to a kids movie blatantly being used as product placement.
"So cool," Arie said admiringly, as he watched the cartoon heroine shoot her arrow at a target.
Throughout the rest of the movie-themed date, many of the men made the poor choice to use the word "brave" as many times in conversation as possible.
"Wearing a kilt takes bravery," Jef theorized. "So it's just one of those brave things I'm going to have to do."
Hey, man, Emily doesn't want to marry a dude who can't formulate a solid pun, am I right?
Later that night, little Jeffy finally got a little closer to Emily, admitting that he was crazy about her. The two shared a nice kiss, but that was nothing compared to Emily's full on make-out sesh with Arie in one of Croatia's dimly lit alleyways. I'm pro-Arie, but I'm sorry, he is the grossest kisser ever. I can't and won't describe the problem with his tongue, because it just makes me shudder. The way he uses his hands to stroke her hair mid-kiss is also creepy to the max.
You know what else is creepy? Chris. Chris is creepy. Chris and his "if I'm gonna love you, I'm gonna love you forever" confession is creepy. Love don't work that way, my friend, even on "The Bach."
Just ask Ryan, who was shocked - SHOCKED! - to be sent home after his one-on-one date. Could have been his overgroomed facial hair, wifebeater-meets-bra tank top, turquoise suede shoes or list of a dozen traits he wants in a wife that pushed Emily over the edge. Not positive. But Ryan did not see his rejection coming.
"That is very shocking," he said with the quiet mania of an axe murderer. He proceeded to beg -- without outwardly begging -- Emily to keep him around, which she appeared to really consider. Thankfully, she sent him packing anyway.
Unfortunately, she kept Wolf -- yes, WOLF -- around because he cried when looking at his grandparents' funeral cards and Emily felt like she understood deep down in his soul. But, I mean, who doesn't love their grandparents ... a show of hands on that one? Doug also got a pass, because I guess she views his inability to form a sentence or make a move as awkwardly endearing.
But all I can keep thinking about is next week's episode, when Arie apparently reveals he used to date a producer of the show. I guess I'll have to wait to see how that all plays out, but isn't that kind of the producer's responsibility to lay out, and not Arie's? The duh-rah-ma!
Follow Amy Kaufman on Twitter @AmyKinLA
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