Angry parents, food woes can dampen your big day

By Marla Caceres, Tribune Media Services

Today’s brides and grooms face tougher wedding etiquette issues than just those of when to write thank-you cards and where to sit feuding siblings.

More couples-to-be are financing their own weddings, and more brides and grooms are incorporating not just families but stepfamilies as well. This can cause a bevy of new etiquette quandaries that traditional solutions may not be able to solve. And, some timeless sticky issues, such as feuding relatives or meddling mothers, continue to trouble brides and grooms.

Here are some common wedding situations and advice from wedding experts on how to deal with them:

Feuding folks. If your split-up folks are always at each other’s throats, you may be wary of their behavior on your wedding day. The first step in avoiding a domestic disaster is to be honest with your parents. The key, though, is to make sure they understand that you are sympathetic to their needs as well.

“Let them know that you understand what they’re going through and the difficulties they’re having,” says Georgina Tegart, a wedding planner and owner of Flourish, a wedding planning company in Chicago. “Then, talk in terms of yourself — how important the day is to you. Talk about other family members, so they understand their behavior has implications for the wider family.”

There also are practical measures you can take at the ceremony and reception to help prevent friction.

At the wedding, don’t have them together in the receiving line, and seat them at separate tables,” said Millie Martin Bratten, editor of Bride’s Magazine and producer of “Bride’s Book of Etiquette” (Perigee Books, $16.95).

Aisle anxieties and invitation issues. Having close relationships with both natural and stepparents can complicate some wedding-day decisions. Choosing the right person to walk you down the aisle, for example, can be difficult.

“If you’re on good terms with both [a stepfather and natural dad], one can walk you down the aisle partway, and the other can escort you the rest of the way,” Bratten said. “Or, one can walk you down the aisle and the other begins the father/daughter dance. You’re looking for some way to fairly honor each person.”

Although invitation wording can seem tricky when you have a complex family makeup, remember one key rule: The name listed on the invitation is the host of the wedding reception.

“The host can be your mom, you and your groom, your dad, anyone,” Bratten said. “If your parents are hosting together but are divorced, they can still be listed, but listed separately, with their names on separate lines.”

Meddling moms. You may be an adult and able to make your own decisions, but your mother insists on making most of them when it comes to your wedding. Worse, she threatens to pull out her financial contribution — or even herself — if you don’t comply.

“Every mom wants to be involved in a daughter’s wedding,” Tegart said. “And, it is such a different issue when it comes to money and using it as a power struggle. The best solution is to take money out of the equation. The only other alternative is to say, ‘Is the color of the flower so important, as important as enjoying my wedding day?’ You may not even notice if you give up control on a few things.”

Diet dilemmas. Your wedding guests may require more choices than chicken or beef. Tegart suggests establishing a relationship with a great caterer, communicating your needs clearly and leaving the rest up to them. “Caterers are stepping up to the plate when it comes to special diet needs. They’re making sure it’s not a huge financial burden to provide these options,” Tegart said.

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