Why we wrote it: A story on parents' deaths

My mother died when I was 25 and my father is dying now. I can't dispute that grief has deeping effects on the heart, but I found this article offensively narcissistic. "Become your BEST SELF through the death of your parents!"

I won't go further because, frankly, I'm speechless.

"And it's the kind of thought-provoking, illuminating story that we think our readers deserve." ~Tami Dennis, L.A. Times

That's an understatement. Exploring new ideas - even if taboo or difficult - helps place our fragile human experience in context.

I absolutely dread the thought of my parents passing on. What will become of me? What is the purpose of life now? It's an emotional burden this article helps put into some perspective. And I'll gladly take any sliver of hope I can get at this point.

"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~Socrates

I absolutely agree with the postulate that a parent's death can be freeing. To deny this is absurd, in the cases where a parent's "influence" has hobbled the adult child from being who they are. The hobbles, since they are internal, usually, can remain even after the death of a parent, but the absence of that parent in LIFE raises the question for the adult child, "Why am I continuing to do this thing that my parent expected me to do? They're not even here." And that question may indeed cause that adult orphan to step onto their own path, finally. It may strike some as macabre, but I sometimes use that question to plumb the depths of who I really am and what I want to do: "If my mother was dead, what would I do?" It's freeing, and, she doesn't actually have to die for me to see my path more clearly.

The same question can be used for women who seem to live their life for the men in them or not in them. "What would I do/decide if there were no men in the world?" It simply frees the mind from internal shackles. Men are still IN the world, but we stop living for the purpose of mating or not mating. We live for ourselves, and funnily enough, love often follows. With the adult orphan model can come happiness, peace, forgiveness and an increased ability to love and accept love.

The real death is rife with grief, of course, but if one has realized the hobbles and cleared them internally beforehand, the resentful feelings may have already been laid to rest, and the grief more clearly just grief.

I completely agree with what Bunny wrote. In a perfect world (dream on) responsible parents would raise their children to become autonomous adults. That rarely - if ever - happens of course. Parents rather, lay the foundations of guilt, dependence, and worst of all, preferred choices of work and career. If those ever question the influence of parents over their children - just look at political affiliation of the offspring - it's usually always that of the parents. Why is that? Should it be that way? And why don't they change? That last question was a rhetorical one. I would only add that the sooner one takes full responsibility over their life and actions, the better our understanding of what a role model should be all about. Undoubtedly parents attempt to do their best but holding them accountable in the absence of "free-will" seems particularly counter-productive.

One effect that is typically positive is the removal of entitlement. When you begin to accept that a parent is dying or has died you start to feel a genuine sense of appreciation, in part due to a flood of memories of happy things forgotten and also an effect where because something has definitively ended it becomes possible to assess its true scope. Looking at the end of this person's life and seeing just how much of it was devoted to your own well-being can fill you with a sense of value and caring that is hard to describe. I am in my late 20's and without any parents in the world but I can't help notice that whenever I think of them, be it in a positive or negative way , there is warm sense of well-being, a feeling that someone once cared. It's a bit nostalgic and maybe it will fade in time like other nostalgia but for now it is sustaining,

I do agree in part with Anne that the article was really missing the boat in terms of the excessive narcissism but also, Anne, consider that most of the reading audience and even people who go through this experience aren't really equipped to see it through the lens you have and it's best not to begrudge them whatever notions they can take away from the experience. If someone wants to shout from the rooftop that their parents dying was the best thing that ever happened to them and actually believes it to be true - let them shout. Who are you to know?

There will be always those who blame others for their
lack of strength, lack of will to live, survive, take responsibility
for their own actions. For these feeble folks, yes, a death
of someone they had to support will be liberating,. They are
vile, feeble cowards. Mr. Freud and his theories, according to his outdated,
woman hating, dribble should be left to wither on the vine
and allowed to die. People who spend forever worrying
about their own pathetic, insignificant lives should try
volunteering for truly worthy causes, Perhaps it will fill
their empty, vapid hours and give them a sense of self
worth and value which obviously they sorely lack.

When one looks with utter disdain upon those who they label as lacking strength and will to live; survive, etc., because they "blame" their parents for their failure, and maybe find freedom and a chance for growth that eluded them before becoming an orphan (whether aged themselves, or young adults), I am concerned for that judging person.

I am concerned that their lack of empathy or any compassion whatsoever reveals a more fragile relationship to life than the "unstrong" hold. And in fact, perhaps a "worthy" cause for such a person is to find a way to accept that amongst these lesser individuals could be a latent genius, heretofore afraid to express their brilliance in the face of a dearly loved but mentally and emotionally fragile parent who withheld love from the child whose possibilities exceeed their own.

"Blaming" one's parents (or childhood, more generally) does not mean hating, or even not loving, respecting, adoring, admiring and FORGIVING one's parents. Blaming is just what some people call it while they're on their road to healing. Some people are so violently opposed to "blaming" their parents, or being accused of "blaming" their parents for anything, that they never acknowledge damage that may in fact have occurred at the hands of their parents.

Everybody is different. Some folks do seem to have steel in their spines and others not so much. I wish I had more steel of the type my mother admired during the decades that I sought her approval. Maybe our relationship would have been less contentious, maybe not. Instead, I have the type, a little more flexible, that works for me. I can admire steel-spined strength, and appreciate the tenderness and hurt feelings of a person harmed by their parents in childhood and perhaps beyond.

Freud is a mixed bag, a man of HIS times, not ours. He discovered things about people, and developed theories. He did not invent them, therefore, his work is not needed as a foundation for discovery today. And ultimately, he was bought; his contribution to psychology contains a political influence and must be viewed in that light. SOME of it has meaning, some of it is meaningless.

Bunny

When my mother dies, I will lose more than just a parent - no one will ever listen to me in the same way that she does. No one will ever look at me again, the way she looks at me. No one knows me as well as my mother knows me. I will lose the one person who has been there for me since the day I was born, through it all, and the loss will be irreplaceable. Be a better person after she dies? Only because I know how proud it would have made her.