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Chris ErskineMan of the House• E-mail
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Recent Columns:
IT'S RAINING T'S RAINING steadily -- in the key of B flat -- the drops pinging against the windows and burping down the downspouts. Honestly, I don't know how much more of this winter weather I can take.
THEY CALL THIS
OUR 5-YEAR-OLDUR 5-YEAR-OLD wakes up, stumbles to the bathroom where his mother is getting dressed and says, "Mommy, you missed a good dream."
SO HERE I AM,O HERE I AM, in my 17th season of AYSO, the Joe Paterno of youth soccer. I am like one of those guys who marries the same woman three times, not realizing my mistake, thinking this go-around will somehow be different. "Do you, Coach, take this team to drive you completely bonkers for the next three months, till death do you part?"
PERSONALLYERSONALLY, I find this whole parenting thing to be hugely overrated. Have you met many of today's kids? Total doinks. Let me give you some examples.
SO WE SAY O WE SAY an Ave Maria and send the little guy off to school for the very first time. Kindergarten . . . the bunny lair of lower education.
LIFE IS IFE IS a luggage carousel. Love is a modest black suitcase with no markings, 'round and 'round and 'round. . . .
Chicago
CLEANING UP a 5-year-old is a cinch. First scrape him with a dull blade to remove the layers of gum, asphalt, wet paint, shellac, bunny poo, perspiration, dog hair, pond scum, aphids and frog spit from his skin. Next, sponge him with lemon juice and club soda. Blot up excess moisture. Repeat. After two or three rounds of this, you should begin to see his skin again.
RANDOM thoughts, while waiting for my shipment of 100,000 Manny Ramirez wigs to arrive from Shanghai: