Eating your way through Springfield with Homer Simpson, Duff and Krusty Burgers

If Homer Simpson is headed to a dinner party, he dons his signature white polo shirt, neglects to comb the two strands of hair on his head and expects a first course of beer, followed by a second course of beer, and maybe a doughnut for dessert.

At the new Springfield, the “Simpsons”-themed neighborhood at Universal Studios Hollywood, which opens Wednesday, Homer’s progressive Simpsons dinner is possible.

For a first course, a stop at Duff Brewery beer garden for an ice cold Duff and an amuse buche. You can order a Duff or Duff Lite, both real beers brewed just for Springfield, and a carne asada taco at Bumblebee Man’s taco truck.

Sitting on a table outside, sipping a Duff, listening to the “Simpsons” bubbly soundtrack, it’s easy to forget the stress of your blue-haired wife, your son’s insistence that you eat his shorts, and your daughter’s refusal to wear anything but a red tube dress.

With his appetite successfully awakened, a short walk across the block takes Homer to Krusty Burger. The Clogger, made with a double patty, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomato, served with crinkle-cut fries, is no match for Homer’s hunger. So he eats a rib-wich sandwich too. Think the McRib at McDonald’s, but bigger, and with more sauce.

Thirsty, with a little ketchup stain on his shirt, Homer walks next door to Moe’s Tavern for a cool glass of Duff. He scoffs at the Flaming Moe, curses at the mopey bar owner, then finishes another Duff in one gulp.

Still hungry, he continues on his culinary journey at Cletus’ Chicken Shack. Homer orders all the best parts of the chicken, fried, served on a waffle sandwich, and on a chicken plate with mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, cole slaw and a biscuit. Feeling nostalgic, he’s happy to see videos of Simpsons family dinners playing on TVs in the restaurant.

Realizing he hasn’t eaten a hot dog in the last 58 minutes, he heads down the block to Suds McDuff’s Hot Dogs for a Krusty’s non-kosher hot dog kombo. He guzzled down a buzz cola and is still eating his Ralph Wiggum’s choo-choo churro when he starts to smell pizza. Curious, he wanders into Luigi’s next door.

Cheese bread, a slice of pepperoni pizza, penne with meatballs and a crispy rice treat? It’s finished in four big bites.

He emerges from the restaurant, happy and rubbing his stomach. Summoned by an unknown force, he turns his face up to the sky and a young boy holding a giant doughnut catches his eye. Lard Lad Donuts is shining bright before him, beckoning him with the smell of freshly fried dough.

He walks, zombie-like to the doughnut counter and orders two maple-glaze bacon doughnuts, two Oreo doughnuts, two larger-than-life pink doughnuts with rainbow sprinkles, and two S’mores doughnuts. He’s still chewing his last doughnut when he spots Phineas Q. Butterfat’s Ice Cream across the road.

He realizes his trek through Springfield won’t be complete without a Brain Freezin’ D’oh-Nut sundae, and an ice cream Swirl ‘n’ Hurl.

But before he heads home to the family, he needs dessert. Three more Duff beers at Moe’s Tavern and he passes out on the bar. Looks like someone needs to call an Uber.

I would style my hair like Marge Simpson if I could. Follow me on Twitter @Jenn_Harris