Report From Wild Kingdom

New CanaanJoe LiebermanTriborough Bridge

All seven of the ``regular readers'' of my column have noticed that I stopped writing about the threat to us all from the animals.
    Well, you see, one of the senior editors of this opining department is in cahoots with the animals. She warned me that if I wrote one more stupid animal column, she would cut me up and throw me to the coyotes (which, by the way, represent a new and growing threat, even if you live in suburbs and your kid belongs to a soccer team and stuff).
    I can be silent no longer. Since I stopped reporting on the flying, crawling, slithering threats that are out there, the animal kingdom has exploded with new outrages.
    I'm not stupid. I waited until the ``holiday season,'' in the hope that the editorial conspiracy will be so distracted buying presents for their ``pets'' (of course), that I can sneak in one more warning when no one is looking.
    The famous ``Glass House'' in New Canaan, designed by architect Philip Johnson, is being assaulted by wild turkeys -- and I don't mean the guys on the planning and zoning commission.
    To avoid panic among the New Canaan investment bankers, wildlife apologists have come up with a story that the turkeys are frightened or confused or something when they see their reflection in the glass. Yeah, sure.
    When I see my reflection in the mirror, I am not confused. I am pleased. And I kiss myself. I don't smash the mirror. The turkey attack is a premeditated, terrorist turkey attack. Your house may be next.
    In November, a sea lion bit 14 people and chased another 10 people out of the water in a public park lagoon in San Francisco. ``Experts'' said the sea lion was probably suffering from brain damage brought on by toxic algae.
    Yeah, sure, blame the victims. Oh, if only the big, bad, stupid, selfish humans weren't burning hydrocarbons and washing their fertilizer hither and yon, the sea lion would have come up and kissed them on the lips, instead of trying to rip out their intestines.
    A 10-pound female turkey, bored with dive-bombing the Glass House in New Canaan, flew down the Connecticut Turnpike in November and parked on the Triborough Bridge at the start of evening rush hour.
    The military objective was achieved; traffic was backed up all the way to England, where the first guys came over to learn from the Indians how to roast turkeys.
    If you have any friends on Boca Grande, a wonderful island getaway spot off the southwest coast of Florida, don't bother calling them. They have been eaten by the black spiny-tailed iguanas.
    For unexplained reasons, there are about 10,000 of the dinosaur-sized lizards on the island. They have eaten everything, including the researchers sent over to figure out how to control them.
    In a free-market triumph, a private lizard-killing firm from Sarasota has been commissioned to exterminate the iguanas, at $20 a piece. The hope is that many of the iguanas will be frightened off the island and move to New Canaan, where they can begin eating turkeys.
    Terrorist raccoons are making life miserable in many Los Angeles residential neighborhoods, attacking pets and threatening to build low-income housing next to mansions.
    The head of Los Angeles Animal Services said that his agency will not kill, trap or relocate the aggressive raccoons, because the city wants to communicate a ``reverence for life.''
    U.S. Sen. Joseph Lieberman urged the Los Angeles neighborhoods to arm themselves and refuse to negotiate with the Animal Services director, who is probably French or something. ``Democracy will never survive in Los Angeles, until all the raccoons are dead,'' Lieberman said. ``Stay the course.''

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