We have tried discussing it, and it hasn't helped. We both want to get past this. He has asked what he can do differently, and I have tried giving him some pointers, but they haven't helped. I used to love sex and making out, but now it can be stressful and frustrating. Is our lack of oral chemistry something we can work on?
A: Normally I would have told you two to discuss it, but you already have, and that hasn't worked. My next suggestion is to work on kissing when it's not part of foreplay, at least not directly. Go sit on his lap on a park bench, so he'll know you're not about to have sex, and start kissing. (Obviously you can pick a different locale, but I'm suggesting that it not be someplace where it could lead to sex.)
Take your time, and don't be critical; just see if he can get into kissing for itself. Do this several times so that he gets used to the idea of kissing for kissing's sake. Let me know what happens.
Q: My hubby and I have been married for nine years, and I have been overweight for about six of those. His favorite position is with me on top, but I feel uncomfortable because of my weight, and I am afraid that I am squishing him. Should I just get over it and go with it?
A: If he asks you to be on top and it gets uncomfortable, he'll just tell you. But if he likes it and doesn't feel like he is being squished, then all should be well. Don't make an assumption that he no longer wants you on top unless he tells you that. I also wonder if you don't like the idea because you now have body-image issues.
Again, if he wants to have sex with you, then that's what matters most. My guess is that he wants to look at your naked body, because if he didn't, then he probably wouldn't want to have sex with you. So while you probably should make an effort to lose weight for health reasons, as long as he is satisfied, try not to put added pressure on yourself because of body-image issues.
Q: I moved in with my boyfriend. We've been here a month, and we've had sex once. I tell him how much I desire him, but he fails to acknowledge my advances, or tells me to quit.
I know that he isn't cheating, but he insists that it's due to his ex, whom he just got out of a three-year relationship with. I can't go anywhere, because all of my money is invested here, so I'm not sure what to do. I love this man, and I don't understand. Everything was fine till we moved in together.
A: There's a good chance that he's gotten cold feet and has realized that he wasn't ready to move in with you, or maybe with anybody. And the more pressure you put on him, the deeper under the covers he's going to dive. Maybe this relationship wasn't meant to be, but since it is going to be tough to break it off, my advice is to lie low for a bit. Don't put any pressure on him, and see if he comes around. If after a couple of weeks you don't see an improvement, then maybe you will have to talk about how to untangle yourselves. But don't panic just yet. Give him a little space, and see what happens.
Q: I've been with my boyfriend (the guy I lost my virginity to) for almost two years. I seem to go through phases where the sex is really good and I enjoy it, but then for some reason something turns me off of it and I get anxious and dread having sex. My partner knows I get weird about sex sometimes, but he doesn't know that I dread getting intimate. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't know how to get myself in the mood again.
A: Keep a diary, and see if you can spot a pattern in things outside of the bedroom that might be affecting your libido. It could have to do with the relationship, or it could have something to do with outside forces, like a boss who gets on your case. My guess is that something like that is the cause, and once you can figure out what it is, you'll then be able to figure out how to deal with it.
"Sex for Dummies" (IDG Books) is among Dr. Ruth Westheimer's most popular books. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at drruth.com.
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