Q: I'd like to know how to increase my boyfriend's sex drive. He unfortunately smokes weed throughout the day and does not intend to stop. I'm 22; he's 30. It's driving me insane!
A: You're making the assumption that his lack of desire for sex stems from his abuse of marijuana. (I think I can safely call what he is doing abuse if he is smoking it all day.) Because I am not a medical doctor, I don't know for sure whether that is the case.
Though it would be a logical conclusion to draw, there also could be other factors. For example, what might cause someone to want to escape with drugs all day long? Depression is one possibility. A depressed person is going to have a low libido.
This issue probably is more complicated than it seems on the surface. If you really love him and want to stay together, you'll have to be firmer about getting him to go for help. Otherwise my advice would be to leave, because why should you suffer if he isn't willing to help himself?
Q: I'm 21, and after I felt pressured by my ex-boyfriend to have sex, I finally gave in. But afterward I felt wrong about it and told him I couldn't continue having sex. Apart from the sex, he hadn't exactly treated me well.
As a result, he broke it off in an awful manner. Weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and didn't think I should let him know. I decided to have an abortion, but ever since I did, I feel like I should have told him, whatever the consequences or shame. He still calls often. Do you think he deserves to know? I just want to do the right thing.
A: I don't think there is a 100 percent right or wrong answer. Only you can make this decision, but I'll tell you what I think. To me, the most important factor is that he didn't treat you correctly and pressured you into having sex. This is not someone you want to stay connected to, and if you tell him, especially since he's still calling you, he's going to use this information to try to re-establish a connection, and you don't need that.
You can't change what happened, but I say the cleaner the break, the better. But again, this is a personal decision that only you can make.
Q: My wife of a short period is not interested in having sex. There seems to be little to no attraction from her, though she says she was made for me and couldn't imagine life without me. I find her irresistible, but with a continued lack of attention, I fear I may lose interest.
She rarely allows me to touch her, asking me not to when I do. I can only guess that my performance is subpar to her previous partners'.
She is a great housewife and mother to my daughter, but very unhappy with what has appeared as my main focus. She has acknowledged my concerns, with little change. On average, we have sex three to four times per month, due to my pushing. Is this an endless battle that I should assume is normal?
A: Your situation is one where I could imagine a lot of different causes for her behavior. But for me to guess without a lot more information wouldn't be helpful, because it would be a blind guess. You need to know what is going on in her head, and I suspect the only way that is going to happen is with the help of a professional counselor.
You may not need to see this person more than a couple of times, but I honestly don't think that you're going to get around this problem on your own.
Q: I am in my 30s, with three kids. My boyfriend is in his 20s. He is great in bed, and my sex drive has been put in overdrive. We've only been together for six months, but I've found he has been watching videos and porn of younger women to get in the mood to have sex with me. He tells me how sexy I am all the time.
This is affecting my ability to relax and enjoy sex. He says living with girls lowers his libido. Is this true, or is he really just not as attracted to my "mom" bod as he says he is? Which, by the way, is still pretty sweet.
A: You say your sex drive has been put in overdrive. That's great, but that doesn't mean that he's in overdrive too. Maybe he needs a little help to get aroused because you want sex more often than he does.
Having different appetites is to be expected, and sometimes things switch for a couple, so that first he wants it more and then she does. You have to accept these differences and figure out a way of making a compromise. Don't take it personally; just learn to adjust.