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6 snappy, statistics-based responses to those awful questions you get at the holidays

Home for the holidays: Not always as cheerful as it sounds.

Home for the holidays: Not always as cheerful as it sounds.

(Don Bartletti / Los Angeles Times)
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Ah, home for the holidays. A time for fun. A time for family. A time to be interrogated about whether you’ve hit life’s benchmarks, and if not, why, and when will you, you aren’t getting any younger. Ah.

Thanksgiving kicks off the five-week period during which your relatives will A) indulge in that extra celebratory glass of wine and B) use it to work up the courage to pester you about when you’re getting married/having a baby/buying a house/finishing grad school/et cetera. Joyful!

In the interest of keeping the peace, here are some statistically backed responses -- because nothing deflects a deeply personal question like starting your answer with, “Well, actually, an interesting statistical fact I learned about people my age is that …”

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But first and foremost, remember this: Your family loves you. They don’t mean to make you feel bad about yourself (probably). They’re genuinely interested in what’s happening in your life, and they care about you, and they want good things for you. In the generous spirit of the holidays, try to be as patient as possible when they start in on when exactly you’re planning to do that thing they want you to do.

And then once you run out of patience, consult this list.

1) So, are you still single?

Nothing triggers silent internal screaming quite like getting asked point-blank why no one loves you. This year, grin broadly and explain that while most millennials still intend on getting married at some point, the average marital age is increasing. As of 2011, only about half of all adults in the U.S. were married, so you’re in good company with your fellow singletons.

There’s a more pernicious variation of this question where openly gay people are asked when they’re bringing home someone special -- of the opposite sex. The only correct response to that question is “Never.”

2) When are you having a baby?

You did it! You finally found a significant other. No more awkward turkey talk for you!

Just kidding. Now the attention moves from your ring finger to your uterus (or your partner’s). Once you’ve made eye contact with everyone in the room while defiantly downing your second glass of wine, calmly point out that the average age of first-time mothers in the United States is going up.

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Furthermore, new research indicates that 30 isn’t the fertility precipice we once thought it was: It turns out that figure was based on French birth records dating back to the 1600s. So like many American women, you’re holding off on a baby (or a second or a third) for now, and your eggs are doing just great, thanks.

3) When are you buying a house?

To say Southern California’s housing market bounced back from the recession would be an understatement. It’s the second-least-friendly housing market to millennials, coming in just after Honolulu. Prices have soared this year; they’re way up while supply is way down. Tell your family you’re waiting for the market to crash again, or until you develop a multimillion-dollar app and can afford an oceanfront mansion in Silicon Beach.

4) What is it that you do, exactly? For work?

If you live in Southern California, chances are you don’t work a standard 9-to-5. It can be daunting to stare down a room full of lawyers and engineers and talk up your Web series or your writing project or your social media gig. But being self-employed (the fancy term for “freelance”) is the new normal: 3 in 10 American workers are their own boss, or work for someone who is.

And if you live in California, chances are good that you’re employed: The Golden State recently released strong job numbers.

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If they still press to find out exactly what you do to make money, explain it in as much excruciating detail as possible and wait until their eyes glaze over, then wrap up with “You know how it is. In this economy. You do what you have to!” And laugh politely.

5) a. I could never stand the traffic/the earthquakes/the people in Southern California. When are you moving back home?

Hey, at least I’m not living at home, like the 1 in 3 millennials is still parking in their childhood bedrooms -- especially women. And despite the housing costs, it’s warm and sunny year-round, there are plenty of jobs to go around, the economy’s in pretty good shape, and big earthquakes don’t hit that often.

As for the traffic… hard to argue with that one.

5) b. When are you moving out of your parents’ house?

Hey, plenty of other millennials are doing it! Nearly half of all millennials are chronically stressed about money. Sharing a kitchen with Mom and Dad is a small price to pay to not be one of them.

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6) What do you think about Donald Trump?

Honestly, just slowly back out of the room for this one. No good can come of discussing Donald Trump at a holiday meal.

For more holiday cheer, follow Jessica Roy on Twitter @jessica_roy.

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