Berman Ought to Get His Eviction Notice

“NINETEEN YEARS!” Gary Thorne screamed shortly before 8 o’clock Monday night. And no, that wasn’t how long it took someone to score a goal in the fourth game of the Duck-Devil Stanley Cup finals.

Nineteen years was how long Duck right winger Steve Thomas had to wait before playing in his first Stanley Cup final game. Nineteen years. It gets a person thinking. That’s nearly twice as old as the off-Disneyland attraction that now finds itself tied with the Devils, two games apiece, thanks to Thomas’ goal 39 seconds into overtime.

Nineteen years. Back in 1984, did Chris Berman’s oldies-rock references sound any less moldy than they do now?

This was Berman, moments after the Ducks’ 1-0 victory at the Arrowhead Pond:

“Cinderella more than lives in the Hotel California! They stabbed them with their steely knives, but the Devils just could not kill the beast!”

And thousands of kids watching at home are asking Mom and Dad, “What in the world is he talking about?”

Followed by:

“The Eagles? I thought we were watching the Ducks.”

Give that man a penalty for high-shticking. Please. Someone has to stop Berman, because he clearly can’t stop himself, as he conceded after welcoming viewers to Game 4, wondering “what’s to come tonight on the fro-zen tun-dra of the Arrowhead Pond.”

And then, apologetically: “I had to.”

Elvis left the building years ago, but Berman, like a broken-down Catskills comedian, never met a gag that was past its pull-date. And he’ll go end-to-end to unearth another, noting that Lisa Marie Presley would perform at halftime of Wednesday’s NBA Finals opener -- also on ABC! -- and somehow stretching to this conclusion:

“Well, we mentioned Presley. ‘Caught in a trap’ -- No score after one period here in the Stanley Cup finals!”

The ABC-ESPN sports connection is overloaded with capable, knowledgeable hockey announcers, and most of them were in Anaheim on Monday. In fact, there were nearly as many qualified talking heads talking puck at the Pond as there were players on the ice. Thorne, Bill Clement and John Davidson weighing in on the action -- ABC wishes its NBA behind-the-mike roster was as deep. Barry Melrose, limited to quick takes before and after periods, is under-utilized. Then there’s Darren Pang analyzing the goalies, Al Morganti and Brian Engblom reporting from rinkside and Sam Ryan trawling the stands for fan interviews.

So what exactly is Berman doing here, besides killing time until the start of NFL training camp?

What next, Dick Vitale assigned to the Women’s World Cup?

(Uh oh. That’s an idea ESPN just might run with.)

Why not trot out John Madden while you’re at it?

So, of course, ABC-ESPN did. Both ESPN’s pregame show and ABC’s between-period filler featured the same piece on the dueling John Maddens -- the “Monday Night Football” commentator talking about the New Jersey Devil with the same name, and vice versa. Mildly amusing fluff ... or shameless self-promotion? Well, like the hockey game twisted around it, there was still much doubt until John Saunders exclaimed, “And the John Maddens have something else in common! Both are shining on Monday nights!”

To which Berman added, “You’re a genius, Saunders!”

A scoreless overtime hockey game says more about the network televising it than the players and coaches producing it. Judging from the first two games in New Jersey, both Devil blowout victories, and the barely detectable TV ratings, ABC is apparently working on the assumption that this series is so boring, even the purists aren’t tuning in. So, they are playing to the casual fan, which explains Berman’s presence and some of Ryan’s interview subjects.

“This is as interesting as it gets,” Ryan said early in the game as she cornered a pair of fans who have wagered a wedding ring on this series. Steve DeSena has promised he will marry girlfriend Christina SerVoss if the Ducks win the Stanley Cup. And if the Ducks don’t? “That’s the $20-million question,” DeSena said. “Win or lose with the Ducks, I feel like I’m always a winner when I’m with Christina.”

Hmm. Twenty million dollars. A wedding that might not happen until the day the Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup. It sounds like a new reality series for ABC’s summer lineup, although the title already has been used.

“The Bachelor.”

During the middle of the third period, Ryan was back with Michelle Kwan, who might not be a hockey player, but certainly knows how to talk like one. Asked by Ryan if she had made a decision whether or not to train for the 2006 Winter Olympics, Kwan replied, “No, I haven’t yet. Just taking it one day at a time.”

Kwan let out a cheer for the Ducks, which pretty much sums up Disney-owned ABC-ESPN’s attitude about this series. Which is why Barry “The Equalizer” Melrose is so important to these telecasts. Melrose has been frank in his assessment of this series -- he believes the Devils are the better team, he says the Ducks were lucky to win Game 3 and he was blunt when sizing up the Duck predicament during in the third period.

“The Ducks have been the best team in this game,” he said. “And if they don’t win this game, you’re going to see a team that’s going to have a lot of trouble coming back emotionally and mentally in Game 5.” And later: “If [the Ducks] don’t win this game, they’re done.”

It took a while, but the Ducks got the message. Dead in the water on Friday, they’re back even heading to New Jersey. As ice expert Kwan knows, you have to take it one day at a time.