Crazy about tree-hugging hippies but don't even bother to recycle? Forget that outdated advice about just being yourself. If you want to be more than an insignificant blip on your hot new crush's radar screen, you'll have to look, sound and act the part.
Whether you've got a thing for fashionistas decked out in Prada or indie snobs in obscure band T-shirts, our tips on where to go, what to wear, say and drink are sure to help you hook your lust object in no time.
Where to go: Heartland Cafe, but get to Rogers Park fast, before it gentrifies!
What to order: Keep it vegan with the Macro Plate, a melange of brown rice, beans and greens ($7.25) and a Green Delight spirulina shake ($4).
Opening line: "I may or may not be a minority, but I'm majorly attracted to you."
What to wear: "Free Mumia" T-shirt, hemp-weave pants, Guatemalan anything.
The closer: "When you're finished workin' for the man on Friday, meet me at Daley Plaza for the Critical Mass Ride this Friday."
Dream dates: Erykah Badu, Michael Stipe, Ashley Judd, Bono
Blue collar babe
Where to go: Paulie's Place, a Tom Waits-style, third-shift dive nestled between Pilsen and Chinatown.
What to order: The breakfast of champions: a beer and a shot. Shot prices are penned on every bottle with magic marker.
Opening line: "I'm not trying to agitate, but your body's working overtime. Can I buy you a double?"
What to wear: Your UPS browns or workshirt. Beware of slumming indie snobs posing as authentic hourly wage slaves.
The closer: "Did I mention I have the stamina of a Bruce Springsteen concert?"
Dream dates: Kid Rock, Brittany Murphy (scuzzed up "8 Mile"-style)
Where to go: Screenz Digital Universe, where a $14.95 pass lets you make passes all day.
What to order: A Giga-sized latte ($3.35). It's not Bawls Guarana, the choice energy drink of gamers, but it'll keep your eyes from glazing over.
Opening line: "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you crouching and corner-peeking before you breached the bar entrance. Do you play Counter-Strike, too?"
What to wear: Only a genuine geek would dare wear a T-shirt with a saying on it. The more cryptic, the better: Try something emblazoned with "RTFM" or "Wardriver."
The closer: "Wanna go back to my parents' house and play with my force feedback joystick?"Dream dates: Shawn Fanning (founder of Napster); Trinity from "The Matrix" (Carrie-Ann Moss); hot-but-nerdy "SNL" news anchor Tina Fey.
Where to go: Le Passage, where being mistaken for the waitstaff is considered a compliment.
What to order: Mojitos mean fresh, minty breath--with none of the extra calories a piece of gum might pile on!
Opening line: "Didn't you just sign with Elite?"
What to wear: Anything you picked up at H & M. Whether you found it on the East Coast or overseas, you're still ahead of the game.
The closer: "I've got an extra ticket to the Marshall Field's Glamorama, and I think you'd make the perfect accessory."
Dream dates: Party girl Paris Hilton, acclaimed metrosexual David Beckham.
Where to go: Four Moon Tavern, owned and populated by show people. What to order: You can't do much better than Tuesday's $1 PBR longnecks special, unless, of course, you want people to think you've been working lately.
Opening line: "I'm a method actor doing a bit of research for Mamet's 'Sexual Perversity in Chicago.'"
What to wear: That dark, casual outfit you feel most comfortable in. Remember, baby, everything's an audition.
The closer: "Why don't we go back to my place and Photoshop some free headshots for you?"
Dream dates: Christina Ricci, Kieran Culkin.
Where to go: Earwax--in a new location, but just across the street.
What to order: Pick up a fresh fruit smoothie ($3.75) and cruise downstairs to the video store. Hover near quirky, heartbreaking titles like "Ghost World" and "Before Sunrise." Be sure to mention that you just ordered your copy of "And Now You Can Go," the novel by Vendela Vida (Dave Eggers' wife).
Opening line: "Didn't I see you picking up the latest [graphic novelist] Chris Ware at Quimby's the other night?"
What to wear: Those snotty friggin' glasses. You know the ones.
The closer: "Wanna go to the Calexico show?"
Dream dates: Steve Albini, Neko Case, Thora Birch
Where to go: Hi-Tops--countless TVs and an upstairs "VIP" room with comfy couches sex up the normally romance-killing sports bar genre.
What to order: Preferably something that doesn't come with a cork in it. Who are we kidding? Beer runs $4-$8.
Opening line: "I think I just pulled a groin muscle. Are you a massage therapist?"
What to wear: Thanks to rappers who attend award shows, sports jerseys now almost pass for formalwear. Throw on your best, or at least your cleanest.
The closer: "I've got behind-the-plate seats for the Cu-, I mean, the So-, I mean?Hey, ya like baseball?"
Dream dates: Lisa Guerrero (sportscaster for "Monday Night Football" on ABC), N.Y. Knicks fan Spike Lee
Reality show wannabe
Where to go: Find rejects from the recent Elimidate casting call at Joe's Bar.
What to order: Hot, heaping bowl of insects.
Opening line: "Look, I'm just a lowly construction worker who makes $20,000 a year--or am I?"
What to wear: A microphone.
The closer: "Meet my parents?"
Dream dates: Chicagoans Jennifer Schefft (won "The Bachelor") and Jamie Blyth (rejected by "The Bachlorette")
Ellen Fox is a metromix special contributor.