Fast-Paised review: 'The Hitcher'

A hitchhiker (Sean Bean) tries to kill college sweethearts (Zachary Knighton, Sophia Bush) who are on their way to party for spring break.

Big question: Think the couple makes it to their destination?
Better question: Why was the 1986 flick of the same name remade?

Skip it: A movie isn't off to a good start when it begins by flattening a bunny and interrupting its thumping All American Rejects soundtrack just so the cute heroine can take a pee break. From there, "The Hitcher" features more unintentional laughs than scares, an incredibly indestructible villain and characters with all the decision-making smarts of Britney Spears.

Catch it: If you'll jump out of your seat no matter how many times a movie uses an extreme close-up to set up its sudden, sound effects-enhanced attack. Sorry, we should have said, "Spoiler alert."

Bottom line: Based on the movie's total disinterest in a motive, the hitcher's biggest reason for murder appears to be that he never got to have a spring break when he was younger. While the kids may not get the chance to release mid-semester stress, thankfully they take a moment to lay low and shower. We'd hate for either one of them to die smelling like B.O.

Bonus: Don't emulate an oddball gas station attendant, who says he was kicked in the face when he tried to milk a donkey. Who's the ass now?

Matt Pais is the metromix movies producer.

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'The Hitcher'

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