Chris Erskine -- latimes.com

Biography

Christopher Michael Erskine has been both graphics editor and a columnist since 1998.

Starting as a copy editor on The Times' national desk ...

Read full bio

Chris Erskine

E-mail

Good with his hands, not with his head

November 14, 2009

I have bedroom doors to repaint by Christmas, but I keep getting interrupted by petty emergencies. One day, the wireless Internet goes kaput. The next day, the underlighting in the kitchen. It just confirms what I've long suspected. All houses are a little haunted.

The Rose Bowl remains his eternal favorite

November 12, 2009

I love the Rose Bowl so much I want to build a little cabin here, like Thoreau, and rent bicycles or kites, or maybe sell soy shakes to the thousands of hotties who show up each day to jog around it, or attend a UCLA game, or watch Bono grab himself as if dying. If Staples is the hub of the new Los Angeles, then the Rose Bowl is the crystal centerpiece of the old. And I assure you, no one knows old the way I do.
An Octomom costume provides a falsie sense of security

November 7, 2009

Our Halloween was so good we would almost like to do it again a week later. The night was crisp and smelled of apples. We hit a couple of wonderful parties, raucous affairs, as befits the day.
It's a love-hate thing with baseball

October 29, 2009

Baseball can be too much of a good thing sometimes. As if Beyonce were born twins.
Where the tailgate wags the dog

October 24, 2009

Today, we're studying the health benefits of tailgating, an autumn ritual with spiritual and emotional rewards. One young scholar just crushed a Heineken can on his forehead, so I suppose there are tactile benefits as well. The more I study sports, the more I feel like Albert Schweitzer.
Playing with Cujo

October 17, 2009

In my new book "Cujo and Me," I talk about how much we love our 300-pound beagle, even after he nearly gnawed off my left leg, thinking it was his own. Pets are so important to a home.
In this baseball postseason, more than the mood is electric

October 15, 2009

Diary of a mad sports fan:
Nuts over prices and car trouble

October 10, 2009

You know what's expensive? Walnuts.
October as open season on fun

October 8, 2009

What a month, October . . . in like a lamb, out like a Detroit Lion (same thing?). It is gleeful, resonant and far too short. In fact, October should be 60 days. Because October doesn't just arrive, like most months. October jumps out of a cake.
He has some words of wisdom for Lamar and Khloe

September 27, 2009

As the Lakers' Lamar Odom prepares to wed Khloe Kardashian here in L.A. on Sunday, let me propose a little toast to the bride and groom:
One crazy Parents' Weekend at college

September 26, 2009

We're trying to avoid the "pig flu" that's sweeping the first grade -- the little guy's term, not mine -- so we're headed back to the heartland, of all places. Seems if you were wary of swine, this is the last place you'd ever want to go.
Chris Erskine: AYSO ceremony is OK for openers

September 19, 2009

There's a cricket in the kitchen. Chirps all night long, like he's trying to sell me something.
Captain Erskine turns to a trusty parrot

September 5, 2009

The little boy with the Creamsicle hair is beginning the first grade. He'll be in Room 15, the note from the teacher advises a few days in advance.
L.A. in all its quirky glory on display at Santa Monica Pier

August 26, 2009

Santa Monica Pier juts out into the Pacific like Jay Leno's jaw, a defiant, whimsical and improbable landing pad. Just 100 feet below, sharks are at play, scarfing the occasional hot dog and Coke cup that plop into their Sunday soup. Up on deck, L.A. is at play too. Here, on SoCal's splendid splinter.
Chris Erskine: Graduation night

June 20, 2009

This is the quirkiness we will miss, one of the oddities that will leave life a little empty after our teenager jets off to college in August, miserable August, only two months away.
Baring his soul . . . and more

June 6, 2009

Keeping a relationship alive these days isn't easy. So, in an effort to demonstrate my commitment, I just sexted my wife of 27 years -- that is, I have sent her a revealing photo taken with my cellphone.
In the pre-prom dance, I follow

May 30, 2009

"I'm going to Starbucks," Posh announces. "Want anything?"
London revisited: The daughter's side of the story

May 16, 2009

So here's what happens. My dad asks if I want to go to London with him, and I say, "Sure, chap, totally," and before I know it, I'm walking down this London street, Gloucester, which is pronounced Glowster for some reason. Like my dad, this whole country has a bad case of the mumbles.
Conquering London, not-so little daughter in tow

May 9, 2009

A wonderful thing, a daughter. It's what the creator gave me instead of a way with money or a firm jaw line. I have two daughters, the oldest of whom is accompanying me to London for a week of work. She is lovely. She is patient. She is . . . gasp . . . 25?
The glove is off

May 2, 2009

We pull off to the school drop-off. A kid gets out, and here's what comes pouring out of our family car:
Chicago: The Windy, Meaty City

April 25, 2009

We are creeping along the Chicago expressway when I decide it is time to merge into the right lane. For some reason, none of the other drivers is letting me in. I do all the things I usually do when I merge. The blinker is bleating -- hiccup, hiccup -- and Posh is hanging out the passenger window to her waist, licking her lips and smiling demurely. In L.A., this works 10 out of 10 times.
How 'bout that Midwestern spirit?

April 18, 2009

Our tour of Midwestern universities gets off to an excellent start when -- I think it was at Purdue -- the little girl inquires as to whether they have "you know, a high-end spa here?" Then one night in Chicago, I have a cheeseburger so huge that I will be working it off forever. It is lodged next to my gallbladder like some new internal organ. No, doc, that's not a lump. That's just last week's lunch.
Good eggs, cracks and all

April 11, 2009

Posh is telling me how she knows someone who knows someone with "a farm in mid-state," where if you give the woman empty egg cartons, she'll fill them with fresh eggs for free.
Debutantes on parade, a.k.a. the dad-daughter waltz night

April 4, 2009

In our last installment, we were renting tuxedos and learning to waltz, fun stuff only if you're one of those country club stiffs who's dead from the neck up. Me, I'd rather be stapled to a ping-pong table and attacked by geese than attend a black-tie dinner. I'd rather drown in pudding.
Suit up, Dad, time to waltz Tuxedos and naked truths

March 28, 2009

Should've bagged the whole thing when they told me I'd have to waltz. Who waltzes anymore? Prussian diplomats? Is there even a Prussia anymore? No, because while everyone was waltzing, mean dudes with muskets were coming over the parapets.
A full plate of banquets and dinners

March 14, 2009

I sit next to this amazing woman at the school fundraising dinner. Turns out I know her a little. We were married 26 years ago. To this day I can remember how her hair smelled in church that day -- like shamrocks over very good pasta.
Dinner party makes for a big night out

March 7, 2009

So we go off to a little dinner party, barely speaking to each other, my wife and I. Not sure what sparked the silent treatment. Might've been when I flippantly offered to give her driving lessons. Sometimes, I can be such an . . .
Hearing loss has its advantages at home

February 28, 2009

I'm pretty much deaf now. The male ear can withstand only so many gripes, accusations, hissy fits and requests for cash before the eardrum itself -- like a tiny silk pizza -- just implodes on itself.
My (family's) funny Valentine's Day

February 21, 2009

Exhausted from Valentine's Day, my dad is taking a little time off from his column, leaving me to write the silly thing on my iPhone while waiting at stoplights and stuff. Yeah, I know that's totally illegal. Go ahead, arrest me.
Las Vegas is one long happy hour

February 7, 2009

I love martinis. I average about two a year, usually here in Las Vegas, where they are known to spawn. A cold glass of beer is a splendid sight, and a glass of Chardonnay has a lovely sort of moon glow. But a martini comes with that great stiletto heel.
Where babies come from: Vegas

January 31, 2009

It's early on a wintry Saturday morning, gray as an undertaker's chin, and I'm trying to steal an extra hour of precious rest. I tore my schnitzel playing touch football last weekend and I need to nurse the injury as long as I possibly can. In fact, they were asking about it after church the other day.
Frankly speaking on the college essay

January 24, 2009

Subject: The most-ultimate college entrance essay ever
A burning desire for turkey wings

January 17, 2009

I'm talking to my buddy Irv about women -- of which I know precious little -- and I confess upfront that I refuse to chase her anymore.
Date night at the movies

January 10, 2009

If they ever give an Academy Award to the best moviegoer of the year, I would have to be a nominee. No one enters a packed theater with more flair (or more popcorn).
A holiday night's dream? Well, mostly

January 3, 2009

A few final thoughts about the holidays, and then we'll move on.
A Christmas wish: Get back to basics

December 20, 2008

It's not even Christmas yet, and I've already gained 5 pounds, most of it on my face (see dotted sketch). Five pounds doesn't sound like a lot, unless it's all in your jowls. Besides, I have been gaining 5 pounds every Christmas for about 20 years now, which adds up to 100 pounds in my face alone. Christmas in your face. Is there any other way?
What do you do with a growing hamster family? Give them away

December 13, 2008

We are wealthy with hamsters. Some families have no hamsters at all (which must leave a real hole in your heart). We have nine hamsters. Let me explain.
It's a yard sale economy

December 6, 2008

Every household should have its own economic stimulus package. In our case, it's a yard sale -- the ultimate in recycling.
White House dog? Here's the perfect candidate

November 15, 2008

GM is turning into a 99 Cents Only Store. Circuit City outlets are disappearing faster than Carmen Electra's career. Yet, all anyone can talk about is what kind of dog Malia and Sasha should have once they get to the White House. Let's settle this right here. I nominate our sweet little beagle, Cujo, for the role. Cujo seconds the motion.
California dreaming in November

November 8, 2008

Nice time for a drive, November. Welcome back the breezes and the sweatered weathercasters promising a slight chance of rain. Breathe deep the oak fire from up the block or the fine damp smells we haven't had in six or eight months. After six months of relentless sun, the clouds are a satisfying change. They alter the light in the living room and the gray-green of the olive trees out back.
Under Friday night lights, reeling in the years and relishing the suburban life

November 1, 2008

We're sitting in a heap of people, right in the middle of the bleachers, under the Friday night lights. Generally, I don't like being in a heap of people. But this is special -- homecoming -- and I am surrounded by some of the nicest people I know.
The full brood is back -- and the pecking order's clear

October 25, 2008

We're at that important juncture on a Sunday morning, where if we can get our dog, Cujo, to close his red-rimmed eyes, we might sneak in an extra hour of sleep. I just want to roll over and not have to think about how to pay for Christmas.
So little money, so much you can do

October 18, 2008

I'M NOT sure what everyone means by "hunkering down," though I suspect there's no nudity involved. Hunkering down sounds sort of appealing, though. Like something you'd do in slippers and an old sweat shirt. And pants, of course. Never forget the pants.
Fall's soccer ritual kicks in

September 20, 2008

SO HERE I AM,O HERE I AM, in my 17th season of AYSO, the Joe Paterno of youth soccer. I am like one of those guys who marries the same woman three times, not realizing my mistake, thinking this go-around will somehow be different. "Do you, Coach, take this team to drive you completely bonkers for the next three months, till death do you part?"
The little guy's first day of kindergarten

September 6, 2008

SO WE SAY O WE SAY an Ave Maria and send the little guy off to school for the very first time. Kindergarten . . . the bunny lair of lower education.
What's a family beach trip without text messaging?

July 10, 2008

We're trying to steal some family time in this increasingly busy and beepy world -- a world that has become electronic almost to a fault, human connections going, going, gone . . .
The new Mayberry?

July 3, 2008

I'm only happy if I'm shopping. Wait, that's a slight exaggeration. I'm only happy when I'm not shopping. The last time I was in the Glendale Galleria, Abe Lincoln was off to see a show.
Baseball, booze and a send-off

June 26, 2008

SO THE Blue Jay Sluggers cap their undefeated season -- no wins, no losses, 14 ties -- with a party in the park. It's a lavish display befitting today's modern athlete: food, gifts and groupies (in this case, the boys' moms).
The prom dates are here

June 5, 2008

I love love. It's so full of hope. So full of little chocolate sprinkles.
Grandma's come to visit

May 22, 2008

GRANDMA arrived the other day, with a suitcase the size of a Frigidaire. Took two grown men and a forklift to move it from the car to our guest quarters, which doubles as the little guy's bedroom. Come visit us and you're likely to have Spider-Man sheets and a stuffed raccoon as a bunkmate. Make your summer reservations now.
Why we don't let him do reviews

March 6, 2008

Finally caught up to "Juno," the supposedly sensational little flick about teen angst.
It's no shock when vacations head south

June 7, 2007

IT finally occurs to me, after 25 years, that I married Amelia Earhart. Hey, everybody, call off the search. She's right here, in the passenger seat next to me, trying to read a road map that she's holding upside down.
Truly, it's a funny, knock-knock world

May 31, 2007

NEXT time you have a moment, ask yourself this: How much honesty does my life have? Is my work mostly truthful and rewarding? In my personal life, can I level with my friends? Do my kids think I'm a fraud?
She's sweet 16 and smart as a whip. Ouch.

May 24, 2007

SHE TURNED 16 the other day, and I can hardly spit out the words. Sixteen. As in 16 candles. As in sweet (and sour) 16. As in the .416 (or so) batting average she racked up for her school softball team. As in the 16 bucks I gave her for the movies. As in the 16 times I told her to clean her room, damn it. Or else.
A red-eye flight gets even redder

October 6, 2005

I CONSIDER AN autumn trip back to the Midwest a success as long as I don't get picked off by hunters. Now, I am being tested like never before, taking a red-eye flight to Chicago with just the toddler — a leprechaun with his mother's eyes and licorice on his breath. The smart money is on the leprechaun.
Yard work? Sure, after his nap

March 24, 2005

The social contract that I've established with this toddler is that he follows me wherever I go and behaves exactly the way I behave. If I sneeze explosively, as dads often do, he is to sneeze the same way. If I wink at the cashier at the garden center, he is to wink as well. He's not so much my mirror image as a walking, talking mulligan. A human do-over. We waddle off on a Saturday morning like two ducks headed for a pond.
A little church, a little chili

December 30, 2004

The full moon is coming up over the mountains like a big bowl of milk, and friends and neighbors are all entering church for Christmas Eve services. As the baby sits on my lap, I try to re-crease his cotton collar with my thumb and forefinger. Lots of luck.
Brotherhood of the backyard

July 29, 2004

I enter the backyard like the Cat in the Hat, hairy legged and bent on mischief. I carry a tray full of steaks and a pair of tongs longer than your arm. There is a splotch of what looks like dragon's blood on my shirt. It's marinade. Why? Because it makes me taste better.
A summer place

July 8, 2004

"MOM? Mom? Mom-mom-mom-mom-mom … "