first day (By Chad Trovinger / December 31, 2010) |
On the first day of Christmas,
Washington County gave to me,
An immigrant who wants to scare me.
Yes, with the dawn of 2010, another election year was at our throats, and this one was even better than usual, because with it came the birth of a local Tea Party branch, a group of activists who believe the problems of unemployment, the recession, foreclosures, the Middle East, education, the environment and the federal deficit can all be solved by keeping Hondurans out of Washington County.
The attack is led by Del. Christopher B. Shank, who challenges state Sen. Donald F. Munson on the charge that he is “too effective.” Shank also accuses Munson of failing to set up a booth at the Washington County line and personally bludgeoning any non-American citizen who attempted to cross.
Shank defeats Munson after promising to go to Annapolis and show off in front of the big-city TV cameras by demonstrating that he can say the name of “Washington” without inserting the letter “R.” Munson reacts to the loss with dignity and grace and by threatening to give everyone who voted against him a wedgie.
Actually, two might be generous. Despite White House contentions that the housing crisis had “turned the corner,” Washington County remained in a hopeless abyss.
Half of the people in the county wanted to buy a house, while the other half wanted to sell a house. And somehow, the keenest minds in government and the banking industry fail to figure out a way in which these two groups might mutually benefit each other.
“I’m stumped,” one banking CEO said. “There’s a guy who wants to sell his house on Washington Street and someone who wants to buy it. But our loan department tells me that they can’t see what one has to do with the other. And these are our best people. Heck, it was their idea to give away a free Snuggie to anyone who opens a new checking account, so you know they’re good.”
The Washington County Commissioners react to the housing glut and all this excess housing inventory by, no lie, passing a tax credit to encourage home builders to build more houses. Surprisingly, this does not solve the county’s surplus-housing crisis, leaving the commissioners to go out and try to solve the county’s dropout problem by giving year-round day jobs to high school students.
On the third day of Christmas, Washington County gave to me,
Three feet of snow
Washington County gave to me,
An immigrant who wants to scare me.
Yes, with the dawn of 2010, another election year was at our throats, and this one was even better than usual, because with it came the birth of a local Tea Party branch, a group of activists who believe the problems of unemployment, the recession, foreclosures, the Middle East, education, the environment and the federal deficit can all be solved by keeping Hondurans out of Washington County.
The attack is led by Del. Christopher B. Shank, who challenges state Sen. Donald F. Munson on the charge that he is “too effective.” Shank also accuses Munson of failing to set up a booth at the Washington County line and personally bludgeoning any non-American citizen who attempted to cross.
Shank defeats Munson after promising to go to Annapolis and show off in front of the big-city TV cameras by demonstrating that he can say the name of “Washington” without inserting the letter “R.” Munson reacts to the loss with dignity and grace and by threatening to give everyone who voted against him a wedgie.
• • •
On the second day of Christmas, Washington County gave to me,
Two housing starts
And an immigrant who wants to scare me.
Two housing starts
And an immigrant who wants to scare me.
Actually, two might be generous. Despite White House contentions that the housing crisis had “turned the corner,” Washington County remained in a hopeless abyss.
Half of the people in the county wanted to buy a house, while the other half wanted to sell a house. And somehow, the keenest minds in government and the banking industry fail to figure out a way in which these two groups might mutually benefit each other.
“I’m stumped,” one banking CEO said. “There’s a guy who wants to sell his house on Washington Street and someone who wants to buy it. But our loan department tells me that they can’t see what one has to do with the other. And these are our best people. Heck, it was their idea to give away a free Snuggie to anyone who opens a new checking account, so you know they’re good.”
The Washington County Commissioners react to the housing glut and all this excess housing inventory by, no lie, passing a tax credit to encourage home builders to build more houses. Surprisingly, this does not solve the county’s surplus-housing crisis, leaving the commissioners to go out and try to solve the county’s dropout problem by giving year-round day jobs to high school students.
• • •
On the third day of Christmas, Washington County gave to me,
Three feet of snow
