Giving thanks for the turkeys

THERE’S MUCH TO be thankful for in Southern California.

• I’m thankful that, at its current rate of appreciation, in 30 years my home should be worth $2.9 billion.

• I’m thankful for mansionization so I can experience what it’s like to live next to a dwelling with the size and aesthetics of Russia’s Hotel Moskva right in Valley Glen.

• I’m thankful screenwriters are fighting for residuals when their dialogue is used on ring tones, because $1 million up front with $600,000 on the back end for penning “Scooby-Doo IV” simply isn’t adequate compensation.

• I’m thankful to live in a place where the City Council recognizes gay marriage, provided one gay spouse doesn’t give the other a lap dance.

• I’m thankful I live in a community that allowed me to dabble in Kabbalah, Scientology, Taoism and Buddhism, and that was just the last week in February.

• I’m thankful Will Rogers never met Michael Eisner.

• I’m thankful I got one of the last 310 area codes before the 424 overlay goes into effect, so I can deceive people who receive my business card into thinking I am important.

• I’m thankful that the constant ringing in my ears turned out to not be tinnitus but rather the wail of car alarms.

• I’m thankful I was able to give up bungee jumping and extreme kayaking — I now secure my adrenaline rush passing through intersections on the Orange Line.

• I’m thankful to live in a city where it’s possible to meet the mayor by setting up a TV camera and waiting two minutes.

• I’m thankful I was able to witness Mr. Antonio Villaraigosa’s finest hour, and it was a pleasure being part of George Lopez’s studio audience.

• I’m thankful to live in a city where celebrities standing trial are habitually acquitted with alibis so preposterous Ripley wouldn’t entertain them.

• I’m thankful I can now host Thanksgiving brunch for 300 invited guests essentially in David Geffen’s Malibu backyard.

• I’m thankful the Tutankhamun exhibit is leaving L.A., so once again when you hear the term “Boy King,” you will think of Brad Grey.

• I’m thankful for our priorities, as witnessed by the 18 scheduled public hearings allowing L.A. denizens to voice our sentiments on the gentrification of the L.A. River, and the fact that my neighborhood may hold one meeting to prepare for a possible avian flu pandemic.

• I’m thankful for the 200,000 new jobs created in the region this year, even if the lion’s share of those jobs are for ‘gator wranglers.

• I’m thankful for household mold, Lyme disease, supermodel bounty hunters and the Chupacabras, so the Channel 9 news team has something to babble about on the oh-so-rare occasion they’re not covering a police pursuit.

• I’m thankful for my health above all, because the King/Drew center is my medical provider.