This brief is brought to you by Fruit of the Loom

To: Justices of the U.S. Supreme Court

From: Administrative Office of the United States Courts

Re: Budget crisis

It’s time for the Supreme Court to do its part in ensuring that the nation’s judicial system survives the deepening recession. To combat destructive budget cuts that have dramatically reduced the scope of court services across the nation, we hope you will embrace our new marketing and advertising plan.

The first phase involves the use, for advertising purposes, of certain selected portions of the black robes you wear during oral argument. We have already sold patches to be placed on them -- the way advertisers place the names of their products on race cars, hockey sideboards and, occasionally, on the backs of mediocre boxers. For example, we have signed a multiyear deal with the National Rifle Assn. and Remington for patches to be worn on Justice Antonin Scalia’s robes. Proceeds will be used to pay for courthouse X-ray screeners in Maine who have been reassigned or laid off.

Likewise, we have sold robe patches to the Banque National de Paris, FIFA and Toyota, to be worn by Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, the court’s internationalist. The American Mime Theater has expressed interest in buying some space on Justice Clarence Thomas’ robes because he never asks questions during oral arguments. The Lifetime Channel has made inquiries about the availability of the sleeve of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but we are holding out for Oprah. Proceeds will be used to ensure that civil courts in Iowa stay open year-round.

We also have been able to market the public product of your work. Written decisions will now have sponsors. For example, “this per curiam decision is brought to you by Nike,” or “this dissent is sponsored by China, investing in our future,” or “Justice Stevens concurs in part, dissents in part, and urges you all to try the new Diet Pepsi.” People magazine has paid to sponsor any 1st Amendment rulings you issue, and Exxon Mobil has pledged to underwrite any commerce-clause rulings or any rulings involving former Vice President Dick Cheney. Revenue from these marketing streams will go to offset the massive layoffs in court personnel in Florida, Massachusetts and California.

Because so many of you have recently done book tours, we have decided to hire you out for certain personal-appearance opportunities to benefit the American people. We have booked Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. on QVC for three 90-minute blocks to sell patio furniture. We have placed Justice David H. Souter as a guest on “This Old House” with his New England buddies. And former Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has agreed to open a string of Chinese and Indian banks. These proceeds will go toward paying for desperately needed new judges in virtually every state.

LoJack will sponsor decisions in criminal cases. Merck will be sponsoring oral arguments in the next healthcare case. Justice Stephen G. Breyer is now under contract to pose for LeRoy Neiman. We’ve contracted with the folks at Hyundai and are excited about their 2010 hybrid model called the “Alito.” Meanwhile, Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. himself will attend “Alito Bobblehead Day” at Citizens Bank Ballpark in Philadelphia. Justice Ginsburg will be a judge during the next season of “American Idol,” where she will, we hope, be wearing her Oprah patch. We’ll use this income to stem the early release of prisoners from California’s jails.

The court’s ban on televising proceedings will have to change because we’ve just sold the rights to a 23-episode miniseries that will bring to TV all the drama of “Celebrity Apprentice,” with all the charm of the court’s oral arguments. Moreover, we have sold the rights to the video and audio of your heretofore private Friday conferences, which will be posted in real time on the Internet and on various social networking sites. Just pretend that little camera isn’t there.