Burbank sonata

THEY’RE LEGALIZING PIANO teachers in Burbank. Until now, public nuisances that they are, such teachers were forbidden to give lessons in their homes. It’s nothing against the piano, you understand. Teachers of all instruments are banned. You let in pianos, next thing you know there’s a piccolo bringing down the entire neighborhood.

Not that the 1998 city ban stopped musicians from teaching in their homes. Many never even knew they were operating illegally. Others were outright lawbreakers.

“What are you in for?”

“ ‘Moonlight’ Sonata.”

The city has received only a handful of complaints about music teachers. Mostly it’s disgruntlement over “loitering caused by students while waiting for lessons to begin” (the language is from a staff memo to the Burbank city manager) or students’ parents parking outside a neighbor’s house. (Just asking: Who started this pervasive suburban notion that the public street in front of a house is somehow an extension of the homeowner’s private property?)

Not to mention overexposure to fractured “Fur Elise.”

Councilwoman Marsha Ramos, whose son took piano lessons when it was legal, would like to bring music teachers back as members of Burbank society. She’d like to simply un-ban them, with an admonishment not to be pests. How nice it would be to have an ordinance saying: “Thou shalt not bug thy neighbor consistently; and thy neighbor shall try to work out problems amicably.”

After all, isn’t it a little strange to come down on, say, a voice teacher when the teenage neighbor with a garage band can bang away at the drums for hours? And don’t kids who love music in whatever form sound better than gas-powered leaf blowers? Somehow, we should be able to work with the annoyances of life without whining to the authorities.

This being modern suburban life, though, Ramos can only succeed with a set of regulations that would leave poor old Ludwig dizzy. Burbank’s home music teachers would need a city business license, a background check and a $175 permit. They would have to provide an indoor waiting area (no more loitering flutists-in-training!) and off-street parking.

Such is the liberalization of music education in Burbank. Oh, “Ode to Joy.” Arranged for one hand.