Opinion: James Comey: About ‘that thing’ I had with Trump

Thank you so much, honorable men and women of the Senate Intelligence Committee for allowing me to recount every single detail of my conversations with President Trump, or “Big D,” as he insisted on being called in private.

You may have already read my statement. Let me just add: I still have no idea what “the thing” is. To the best of my recollection — and you all know I’m a great note taker — I have no idea what thing he thinks he had with me.

I’ll begin by recapping our first meeting on Jan. 27.

The president called me at lunchtime about having dinner that night. I considered saying I had other plans — late notice and all — but decided that wouldn’t be cool. He said 6:30, I thought about saying 7 then decided that, too, wouldn’t be cool.

When I showed up, I was escorted to the Green Room. (Who knew there was a Green Room? I’d only hung out alone with Barack Obama twice at the White House and we just sat outside on the front steps.) We were seated at a small oval table, served by Navy stewards. (Who knew there was a professional Navy waitperson rank? But I digress…) They served us drinks — Coke for him, extra ice; water and slice of lemon, straight up, for me — then they left the room completely. Again, weird. I just didn’t want to be alone with this guy.

Big D began by asking me if I wanted to keep my job — which I thought was really weird. I have a 10-year term and why wouldn’t I want to keep my job? Great benefits, car and driver. Sure, you get hauled before a bunch of Senate committees every now and then — no disrespect — but other than that, it’s your show to run. Still, it was like he was hinting he might fire me if I didn’t do something for him. Of course, that would have been bizarre. Even Obama didn’t fire me after the whole Hillary disaster.

Then the evening got even stranger. He looked at me and said, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” He fixed me with a steely gaze. I returned the stare, my face rigid, my mouth set. The ticking of the grandfather clock pierced the awkward silence. We sat there staring each other down, neither of us touching our dinners — Porterhouse well-done for him, grilled salmon medium rare for me.

Was that the thing? Did his pinched stare convey some subtlety I missed? If only I hadn’t gotten distracted by his hair, maybe I would have paid closer attention. All the law enforcement training in the world can’t prepare a man for a bird’s eye view of that nest. And don’t get me started on his eyebrows.

Finally I spoke. “You will get honesty from me,” I said.

“Honest loyalty,” the president said, nodding.

“Close enough,” I said.

I tried to explain to him the importance of maintaining the independence of the FBI from the White House and started to tell him how presidents had been tripped up by their quests to consolidate power throughout history. As soon as I mentioned “history” though, his eyes kind of glazed over and he waved me off and started talking about how he was going to play golf that weekend with Jared and what a fabulous, excellent son-in-law he was.

I thought I was out of the woods, but then after dessert (crème brulee for both of us), he headed right back to talking about my job and how much did I want it. Lots, I told him.

I explained that I didn’t really believe all the sordid stuff about him and the Russian hookers. He said it would be huge, beautiful, if I could just say that in public. I thought, what part about my job does this man not get? I told him I would think about it. Then I left, got in my chauffeur-driven SUV and wrote down this entire conversation as fast as I could and emailed the whole thing to half a dozen people. Just in case, one day, someone asked me about this and thought I was making it up.

Anyway, the president bugged me a few more times about announcing that he was not under investigation and I just told him I had to clear that with the acting deputy attorney general. (Boy, I will be really glad when they finally hire some long-term people around here.)

Then the president called me on April 11 and demanded to know when I was going to announce something. I said the acting attorney general hadn’t returned my phone calls (kind of a lie) and I suggested the president call him. He said he would do that, and added, “Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that thing you know.”

And, I’m thinking, “What is this dude talking about? What thing did we have? The dinner thing? The loyalty thing? Was that a thing?”

I just said, “OK, well, if you need the acting deputy attorney general’s number, just let me know.’

And that was it. Never talked to him again. Next thing I know I’m in La La Land talking to FBI agents and I see on TV I’ve been fired. To this day, I’m still wondering … what thing did we have?

Follow the Opinion section on Twitter @latimesopinion and Facebook