Odd Balls

By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph

The PacificSD polling staff painstakingly selected 16 finalists and calculated 73 billion different computer simulations to come up with these stunning results.

{ACTOR’S STUDIO BRACKET}

Demi Moore : Her Red Bull Diet may not have FDA approval, but there’s no doubt that it works-she lost 175 pounds (a portion of two and a half men) in the past year alone.
Alec Baldwin : At least he made a funny SNL skit following his infamous Words With Friends incident on an American Airlines flight. Even so, it doesn’t seem like the multi-talented man-ape gives a damn that he inconvenienced a planeload of commoners.
Lindsay Lohan : One way or another, there are always bars around this little scofflaw. The Parent Trap, it turns out, isn’t just her best movie, but also a metaphor for her semi-tragic upbringing.
Charlie Sheen: His face is already on the Mt. Rushmore of American meltdowns. I place Charlie in the Thomas Jefferson position, what with his seemingly indestructible constitution and the fact that “Liberty” and “Justice” are the names of his two favorite strippers.

{POLITICAL BRACKET}
Newt Gingrich: In boldly announcing that, by his second term, the U.S. would have a military base on the moon, the disgraced former Speaker of the House and serial wife-cheater neglected to mention that his “second term” referred to another stint in the loony bin.
Joe Biden: From calling for a wheel-chair bound supporter to stand up and take a bow, to revealing classified details of SEAL Team Six, Vice President Biden led Bethesda neurologists to confirm that the hair plugs (transplanted from his southern caucus) have leeched all the nutrients from his brain.
Michele Bachmann : When this family values candidate told us Paul Revere was warning the British, and then stuck to her story after being corrected, even her “husband” almost spun out of the closet.
Anthony Weiner : In the 1986 Devito/Midler/Reinhold flick Ruthless People, a cop said of the Bill Pullman nitwit, “This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the Earth.” A U.S. Congressman texting photos of his junk to strangers and thinking he’d get away with it? Bill Pullman, step aside.

{LEGENDS BRACKET}

Tom Cruise (2005): This action movie superstar ignited the worldwide trend of jumping on a couch to profess an arranged marriage, but it turns out all he wanted was to be as tall as Oprah.
Chris Crocker (2007): He/she/it is the passionate Britney Spears defender of YouTube fame (43 million hits), who got our heads right with “She’s a human! All you people want is more, more, more, more, more! Leave her alone! You’re lucky she even performs for you bastards! Leave Britney alone!”
David Hasselhoff (2007): The Hoff-shirtless, lying on the floor, drunkenly trying to consume a cheeseburger in a Las Vegas hotel-reminded us all of our worst moments, as well as how truly delicious a cheeseburger can be under those circumstances.
The Wicked Witch of the West (1939): She must have really stunk towards the end, since any kind of bathing would have melted her. They say she always sat in the top row at Sea World shows.

{KARDASHIAN BRACKET}

Kim Kardashian: She got hoodwinked by a made-for-television marriage of her own design. At least she’s got something very large to fall back on.
Kris Humphries: Hey, this mouth-breather is having his best NBA season yet, averaging close to 14 points and 11 rebounds a game. Perhaps he’s not as dumb as he looks.
Scott Disick: This jobless, limo-preening, ascot-wearing, Spencer Pratt-wannabe sperm donor of Kourtney’s would be a Number One seed in most douchebag tournaments, if only he had more name recognition. Build up your brand, Scotty! You take the “is” out of “Disick.”
Bruce Jenner: This once-proud former Olympic champion now escapes into the garage to build model airplanes. Maybe someday he can build one big enough to fly himself to a decent testicular regeneration facility.

FINAL FOUR:

Sheen shreds Weiner. Kardashian drops
a tear on the Witch.

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME:

Sheen vs. Kardashian
After mounting a furious, come-from-behind rally, Charlie topples Kim for the title. As the great Jeff Ross noted, “Charlie, if you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing.”