Alan Ball Shouldn't Bail on "True Blood": Suggestions to Improve Vamptastic Show

True Blood (tv program)Alan BallPeace CorpsDr. Dre (music artist)Snoop Dogg

Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is an honest, transcribed reaction to news that this might be Alan Ball's last season of "True Blood," as hinted at in this interview he did with the Hollywood Reporter.

Surely, this could be a negotiating tactic. But it still rattled me.

It took a while to get into the show, but once I did, I was hooked like a V addict.  I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to Ball's contributions to the steamy, soapy fictional Bon Temps and its mysterious residents.

Here's hoping Season 5 talks go well. But if, and I do mean if, Ball bails on the show after this round, here are some suggestions for his successors...and oh, there had better be successors:

1.  Less Sookie

Sookie Stackhouse is plucky or irritating, depending on the fan you ask  If you ask me, it's easy: irritating.  I don't care if her blood tastes like an Oberweis mint chocolate chip shake or Riesling to vampires, there is no valid explanation to why all the handsome hunks are panting after her.  Main character or not, she gets herself into so much stupid trouble, it seems unfair that she is still walking around unscathed while so many other vamps and mortals have met their untimely end.

2.  Less Tara

As a staunch advocate of increased diversity on TV, it pains me to say I would like to see less Tara.  But her acting and Foghorn Leghorn-esque accent are among the worst I've witnessed.  She only seems to be unreasonably angry or sad at all times, not necessarily feeding into stereotypes, but certainly irking me in every scene.  She really looked foolish in the storyline with the psychotic Franklin whose awe-inducing acting showed her up by several country miles.  Last season, she took off into the ether, but I suspect she will be back based on trailers for Season 4. Gah!

3.  More King of Mississippi

The Mortal Kombat-like move that Russell Edgington aka the King of Mississippi pulled on that unsuspecting anchor goes down in the books as the beginning of one of the best, and most shocking, scenes in TV.  And oh, those quotable, quotable lines about his superiority to human beings.  His palpable contempt for humanity made the selfish, scheming Eric look like a Peace Corps volunteer by comparison.  The only thing I didn't like about the King was his insistence on bringing the gory remains of Talbot around with him in a vase.  The show gets graphic, but that was too much even for their standards.

4.  More (different) monsters

We've had werewolves and werepanthers.  Maenads and witches.  And of course, shifters of all kinds.  I know vamps have to remain consistent, but whoever is running "True Blood" needs to open it up to more monsters: ogres, evil mermaids, come on...give me something.  Don't these other creatures have a union that can demand equal representation for them?

5.  More Eric and Pam

I don't think this needs further explanation.  This team is only tied with Mystique and Magneto ("X-Men") as my favorite sarcastic, evil-ish duo.  Perhaps we can pump E&P up and lock Sookie and Tara up somewhere for a little while.  Bon Temps has plenty o' root cellars for my least favorite characters. 

6. No Snoop Dogg

What was left of my admiration for the Doggfather fizzled and evaporated like a vamp in the sun when he did that cringe-inducing "tribute" to Sookie.  If Snoop Dogg dares to record a follow-up to that corny atrocity, I will ask Dr. Dre to personally come and administer his meds.

Your turn: Are you ready for "True Blood" to come back this Sunday?  What are you going to do to celebrate the premiere? Sangria?  Team Eric and Team Bill t-shirts?  Spill!

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
Comments
Loading