Well, our crazy journey together has finally come to an end. (For now; did you people really think you were rid of us for good?) But have we really arrived anywhere? Hannah, as you’ll see, still has no idea where she is. But the rest of our ladies, Marnie, Shoshanna and Jessa, are taking big steps forward at a surprise event.
We hope you’ve enjoyed this season just as much as we have. Join us next time when we’ll hopefully find out what happens with Adam and Hannah, and Lena Dunham will cave to media pressure and cast non-white people for the sake of casting non-white people. And who knows, we just might be back for some more awesome collabo projects before then!
Someone’s boyfriend takes over during a move
The last part of the last episode was no joke. Hannah and Adam are helping Marnie move her furniture out of the apartment. Until Adam basically just shoos them away and hauls a mattress and a chair down the stairs himself. (He also later suggests that he move in to replace Marnie.)
8--I’ve actually never understood why some guys turn down requests to help their girlfriend’s friend or whoever move. Isn’t this an understood guarantee of sex afterward? -JG
10--SOMEONE always takes charge here, thank God, because I am NOT cool with being squashed by furniture. This is also a great opportunity to find out that someone is freakishly strong, i.e. my friend Steve, who looked kinda squishy at the time but can lift like 5 boxes and a rug at the same time. On a side note, I’ve officially decided I’m too old to make my friends help me move again. -DM
“Maybe I’ll move in”
Adam slips this one in on Hannah in a moment of pre-sexual ecstasy.
7--First of all, it took me six tries to spell “ecstasy.” I am not a morning person. I think this one is the moving-in version of “just the tip, just for a minute,” from “Wedding Crashers.” If he’s suave enough about it, maybe she won’t notice... -DM
6--Oh, no. Any guy with half a brain knows this is equivalent to dropping an atom bomb on his lady's hopes and dreams of committment and settling down. With great power comes great responsibility. -JG
When you can’t tell if your friend is happy or annoyed that you’re crashing at her place for a bit
Yay, Shoshanna! Marnie is staying with her until she finds her own apartment and sleeping in Jessa’s bed, since Jessa has been MIA for a “full 24/7,” Shoshanna says.
7--Since it’s Shoshanna, it’s safe to assume it’s a combo of both. Girl is so desperate for some quality social interaction, but this is her personal space that she likes to have organized in very particular way. We could not be more similar (in only this way and the prolonged virginity thing, though). -JG
9--Shoshers! If you were this neurotic, who would you rather live with, Marnie or Jessa? Exactly. Shoshanna is probably just excited to have someone else in the apartment who knows what a broom is and buys TP. -DM
Getting caught in a lie to get out of work
While working a shift at the coffee shop with Ray, Hannah gets a text message and then tells Ray she has a scratchy throat (“probably” from some “expired Mylanta”) and needs to go home. Ray got the same text message that Hannah did, from Jessa, inviting them to “the most important party of my life” that day.
4--Of course Hannah would suck at pulling this off. You have to be a little strategic about what’s believable and not have your head up your own ass. Not that I’d know how to do this, of course. -JG
4--Strategery and mind games, Galliart, strategery and mind games. “That’s an extremely unattractive feature of your generation” basically sums up this entire show though, so big ups to Ray. -DM
No weirdness between roommates after a breakup
Though brief, Hannah and Marnie seem pretty OK with each other when they meet up at the aforementioned party with Shoshanna, despite Marnie moving out not much earlier.
2--I get that living with your BFF is usually the biggest strain in a fledgling friendship, but isn’t there some sort of grace period when you’re allowed to pretend the other doesn’t exist? -JG
4--Get dronk, have awkward convo, get more dronk, either cry or avoid each other. That’s the roadmap here, not this odd normalness. But something weird is going on with Marnie in this episode, as we will see later... -DM
The whole gang is here! The dude from “SNL” welcomes everyone to this classy loft party, which he calls a “mystery party.”
1--Only New Yorkers and tacky celebrities do this. Chicagoans are smart and neurotic enough to insist they’re not coming unless they know what’s happening. -JG
2--Is that who that dude is? I totally couldn’t put my finger on it. And I’m not entirely sure I know someone narcissistic enough to pull this off. -DM
Failed threesome turns into a marriage
It’s a wedding! Jessa marries Thomas John, the guy from “Bridesmaids” who tried to have a threesome with her and Marnie, at the mystery party after seeing him for two weeks on the sly.
0--Way to go, Lena Dunham. You’ve just made a bunch of your fan girls question whether or not that creepy dude who attempted a threesome with them that one summer actually has potential as a life partner. -JG
1--It’s not the 1940s, people. Nobody gets married after knowing each other for less than a month. I mean, it’s not like they have to get hitched so they can have sex. -DM
Your wedding date is uncomfortably touched by the ceremony
More evidence that Adam has a heart. Tearing up during Jessa’s vows, he says, “I’m very moved. People finding each other, taking shelter...”
8--It might be a crazy one, but I love seeing that Adam does, in fact, have a heart. It’s much more fun than watching a guy date in real life get visibly weirded out by his girl date’s chin quivering during the bride’s vows. (Yes, it’s the usually the girl doing it.) -JG
9--”Time is a rubber band.” I’m surprised Adam didn’t just up and propose right then and there. There’s one in every crowd, folks. -DM
Totally inappropriate song plays at a wedding
After the kiss, the club jams begin. This one is “Pussy be Yankin’” by Lady. Look it up.
4--I know it’s Brooklyn and this is HBO, but come the fuck on. “Pussy be Yankin” by Lady? Right after the kiss? What about the cranky old people?! --JG
10/5--The 10 is for this song being fucking amazing. If your office hasn’t already watched the video, get on that immediately. Well, maybe not immediately. As for the song actually being played, there are plenty of people who are self-involved enough not to care who is offended at their wedding. Jessa is all of them. -DM
Sexually-driven conversation with an ex in which neither knows if the either is kidding or not
Charlie, there without his girlfriend, “jokes” with Marnie about having sex in the bathroom. Marnie reciprocates. She says she was kidding, he says he was, too.
9--Nobody is ever kidding about bathroom sex. Ever. -JG
10--Girlfriend looks like JLo at the Grammys. This is no time for playing games. Also, Jess, I’m glad to see you’ve updated your stance on bathroom sex since the abortion episode. We’ve come a long way together this season. -DM
The one aggro girl at the wedding
Shoshanna is pretty devastated, you guys. She wore white to Jessa’s wedding, she hasn’t gotten any action all season, her cousin just married a guy she met two weeks ago and “Everyone’s a dumb whore,” she says.
8--I like to think there’s more than one of us at these things, but OK. -JG
10--The other one is off hyperventilating somewhere. I actually know someone who wore white to a wedding ON PURPOSE, and even the guys were talking about it behind her back. Shosh is right to freak out, this is beyond not OK. -DM
Panic face after your new S.O. skips ahead to long-term plans
While slow-dancing, Adam tells Hannah that the two of them are “in it for the long haul.”
9--Seriously, her face says it all. Probably best to avoid statements like this until it has been discussed and cried about a lot. -JG
4--AUGH HANNAH BE HAPPY, this is what you wanted!!! If this were me, I would be making her back-of-the-cab face from a few episodes ago. -DM
Couple fight at a wedding
Hannah recruits Elijah (gay ex-boyfriend) at the wedding to be her new roommate (it’s cool, he DID give her HPV and she has forgiven him). Adam gets upset because he really did want to move in with Hannah and tells her he loves her. Pissed. “If you want to fuck me from behind at least pull my hair back,” he says.
10--Can we just designate a special room for these fuckers who, without fail, get into fights with their significant others at weddings? Stay home next time or, you know, just break up, already. -JG
9/3--As the person who usually instigates these fights by flirting with the male half of the couple, I shall back away slowly from this one. But on the Elijah note, I would’ve clawed his fucking eyes out over the HPV. THAT SHIT IS NOT FUCKING CUTE. -DM
Freak accident brings fighting couple back together
Not quite what happened, but...
1--I think this is the first time in a movie or TV show where a couple fights and someone gets hit by a car or falls down a mountain or whatever where the fight isn’t immediately forgotten about. Way to break the mold, “Girls.” -JG
3--This really only serves to fuel Adam’s rage. Poor lil’ guy. I really hope Hannah gets her head out of her ass and has some honest conversations with him. -DM
Hooking up with someone at a wedding you’d probably never hook up with
Marnie is clearly champagne-wasted when she flirts with the cheesy “SNL” guy over cake and cleavage. They have a frosting-covered kiss, which Charlie sees a glimpse of.
9--These are my favorite stories ever. Thanks, slutty friends! -JG
10--My pussy be yankin’. -DM (Oh God, forget I ever typed that. It’s the last recap of the season!)
Shoshanna almost manages to talk her way out of it. Except for she doesn’t!
8--It’s scary, no matter how hard you try to play it off. Big “way to go!” to Ray for taking the reins. He may be my new favorite person on this show. -DM
7--Everybody loses their virginity at some point, but most of us aren’t lucky enough to do so with a dude like Ray who understands the power given to him. I predict, however, that Shoshanna comes back next season saying the sex was terrible. -JG
Falling asleep on the train
After Adam gets hit by a car in the street and taken away by an ambulance, which he would not let Hannah into, she gets on the subway, falls asleep and wakes up at the end of the line without her purse.
15--Everyone has a story of ending up at the O’Hare Blue Line stop or Howard Red Line station at 4 a.m. on accident. Let’s start calling these situations El Adventures or something to make it sound not so lame. -JG
10--This may be the one time when everyone but me has a story about doing this. But really, everyone does, including my friend who had his wallet and iPod cut out of the front of his pants, and woke up with his earbuds still in. -DM
Fuck it, I’ll go to the beach
Hannah sits in the sand and eats her leftover cake from the wedding. The end.
3--I’d give anything to not be that person who would have a panic attack and overreact if my purse was stolen and I had no idea where I was. I thought we had so much in common, Hannah? -JG
1--I literally would be hyperventilating too hard to move. -DM
Dana Moran is RedEye’s Whoville gossip goddess. She would’ve shoved her way into the back of that ambulance, and probably gotten arrested. @redeyedana
Jessica Galliart is RedEye’s social media lady. She always always sobs at weddings, but not really because she’s “moved” or whatever. @jessicagalliart