This week's episode is titled "All Adventurous Women Do." Do what? Boogie board? Eat that day-old cake from out of the trash can when they're starving? Sit down on the No. 66 Chicago bus without checking the seat? No. All adventurous women apparently have HPV, according to the "slutty one" on the show.
Play along as we recap the latest episode of "Girls," which included another very uncomfortable scene with the beast that is Adam in bed, as well as the hottest pick-up line ever of all time (says RedEye).
You hate your boyfriend's new haircut
Marnie's boyfriend surprises her by shaving his head. "You look like Mickey Mouse without the ears. Why are you doing this?!"
8--Little did you know, your hair is probably the one thing your girlfriend likes about you. Take that away, and she has nothing left to brag to her girlfriends about. -JG
8--It's usually better if you can trick them into cutting it into something normal, but with a shorn head, there is no hope. -DM
"Have fun, go tweet that."
Hannah snarks about the aforementioned new haircut, which he tells her to tweet.
10--I've already thought, "Ooh, can't wait to tweet this," twice today. -JG
2--Trying to avoid this aspect of social media addiction for as long as possible -DM
Looking ridiculous for a dude
It's unclear what look she was going for, but Hannah shows up at Adam's house in fishnets, buckets of eyeliner and some leather and chains.
7--If dressing up like a character from "The Craft" turns a guy on, it's probably your cue to exit. -JG
10--Christ, I actually have tentative plans to go out to a bar dressed like this. -DM
"Maybe I don't want my body to be funny, has that ever occurred to you?"
Adam gets a little grabby with Hannah's stomach in bed, which he insists is funny.
4--It's not funny. It's never funny. -JG
5--This is fine if done in a loving way, but Adam is a wretched, soul-less beast. When he was lifting weights I kept hoping he'd drop the barbell on his head. -DM
Discovering a new show because you don't have cable
Heard of the show "Baggage" on Game Show Network? Hannah hadn't until she hung out at Shoshanna's for a bit.
9--The only reason I have friends is so I can educate the world about quality TV programming like"Toddlers and Tiaras" and "Lingo." –JG
Eating cereal while watching crappy game shows and wearing a Snuggie
9--Except when you're actually too poor to even buy a Snuggie--except not too poor to justify dropping $150 a month on amazing cable. AKA, me. -JG
8--See also: Liz Lemon filling a slanket with her farts on"30 Rock."I don't actually know anyone who owns a Snuggie, but I have a wide range of couch blankets that are probably calling my name as you read this. -DM
On having HPV: "All adventurous women do"
Jessa apparently has "several strains" of HPV, which she said "all adventurous women do."
0--Let's make this clear: Nothing about having an
0-All UNLUCKY women do. The fact that there's no test for guys for HPV just blows, and the fact that Adam doesn't know this makes him an even bigger douchehat. -DM
The invasive boss
Marnie's boss at the gallery insists to an artist that he have sex with Marnie. Also: "Be a lamb, run and grab my tit tape."
8--Raise your hand if you've had to be the one who babysat the boss who has the most inappropriate, biggest mouth during your office outing. This is me raising my hand. -JG
2--Who IS this bitch? We might talk about some crazy crap in the RedEye office, but we're not actually serious about it. -DM
Finding out your ex-boyfriend is gay when you intended to discuss having an STD
Yep, that's what happened to Hannah when she met up with her ex Elijah to tell him about her HPV.
2--Never say never? Did I just jinx myself? -JG
2--This happens, just not to us. Right, Jess?!?! -DM
Crying at the bar
She just found out her boyfriend of two years is gay. Of course Hannah cried.
10--If you've never cried at a bar, because of a guy or something else, you are a wonderful human being. Also, you can go to hell. -JG
10--Bars have some magical quality that just seems to incite tears. Oh wait, it's called alcohol. -DM
"I want you to know, the first time I [bleep] you, I might scare you a little. Because I'm a man, and I know how to do things. See you later."
This is what the artist said to Marnie after they discussed her having a boyfriend. He also did it while he backed her into a railing.
1--This is the hottest thing I have ever seen. It's not possible that men really do this. -JG
7--I'm not really sure if a guy has ever said this to me, but I've definitely said the lady version of this to a guy. -DM
Masturbating in a public place (in private)
Marnie excuses herself in a room at the gallery to ... do that.
5--I don't doubt that people actually do this often. Just another reason to wash your hands constantly. Damn CTA. -JG
x--Really? We're not going to discuss our ladypleasures with you people. Buy us a drink first. -DM
Crafting the perfect end-of-a-horrible-night tweet
Perched on her bed, Hannah contemplates the diaster she just experienced by trying to compose a tweet.
8--This is important, you guys! -JG
4--Ugh, this is the precise reason I hate social media sometimes—it gives you an opportunity to be waaaaay too self-involved. Hannah comes to a great conclusion to use "All adventurous women do" because at least she'll feel like a badass about it. Also HELLOOOOO
Dancing to Robyn with your roommate
Marnie comes home to Hannah jamming to Robyn in her bedroom. She joins in.
7--I need a roommate. But only if we don't have to talk for the other 23 hours of the day that we live together. And I need to download that Robyn song. -JG
9- This is what roommates do best, along with making sure you're not dead 3 days after falling in the shower. And Jess, come on, Spotify!
Check back next week for another scorecard, and "like" Show Patrol on Facebook for more TV goodies.
Dana Moran is RedEye's Whoville gossip goddess. She once successfully picked up a guy by telling him he couldn't handle this. @redeyedana