President Obama poked fun at his Republican rivals at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner in Washington, but didn't spare his own Secret Service, secretary of state or even his past indulgence of exotic cuisine as he delivered remarks before a crowd of Hollywood stars, political power brokers and journalists. Jimmy Kimmel hosted the event and doled out his own skewerings, but kept things relatively low key in comparison with 2011 host Seth Meyers' roastings. Check out some of their best quips from the night.
"Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won't stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena."
"There's no one else out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day." -- On The Huffington Post winning a Pulitzer Prize
"We also both have degrees from Harvard; I have one, he has two. What a snob." -- On Mitt Romney
"In my first term, we repealed the policy known as `don't ask, don't tell' -- wait, though; in my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as, it's raining men."
"Seriously, guys, what am I doing here I'm the President of the United States, and I'm opening for Jimmy Kimmel?...Why am I telling knock-knock jokes to Kim Kardashian? What is she famous for, anyway?"
"I had a lot more material prepared. But I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew." -- Riffing on the recent Secret Service sex scandal
"What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious." -- Skewering both former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and critics of Obama's revelation in his memoir that he ate dog as a child
"You might be misunderstanding the New Jersey state slogan. It's not the `Olive' Garden State." -- To New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, on his weight
"Hey Mr. President, do you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes for a better tomorrow? That was hilarious."
"If you're looking for the greatest threat to America right now, she's right there. She's Kim Kardashian. When you took office, the Kardashians had one reality show. Now they have four. This is not a good trend."
"I guess it just wasn't [former Republican hopeful] Rick [Santorum]'s year. Rick's year was 1954. It's one thing to oppose gay marriage. It's another thing to do it in a sweater vest."
"To me, [Republican hopeful] Ron Paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every `Scooby Doo' episode."
"Sully, will you drive Lindsay Lohan home? Just make sure you don't run into a goose, and make sure it isn't a Grey Goose." -- To hero pilot Sully Sullenberger
"Mitt Romney: "When I think of Mitt Romney, I don't think of Etch-a-Sketch. I think of Twister: One foot on red, one on blue and both hands on green."
-- news services contributedCopyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times