'Peaking' is irrelevant — but safe sex never is

Q: I am 44 years old, and I want to have sex all the time. I think I am bisexual. I heard that women peak in their 40s. Is this normal?

A: I don't like the word "normal," because whether it is or isn't, would that make you want sex any more or less? I don't think so. And this has nothing to do with peaking, but is just caused by your personal circumstances. I say you should enjoy, but I also say to be careful. The more partners you have, the greater the risk of catching some disease.

I also would tell you to start thinking seriously about finding someone whom you can love and who will love you back. At some point you'll probably tire of all this variety, and if you let someone slip by who might have been perfect but you were too blinded by all the other possibilities, you'll regret it.

Q: When my husband, 39, and I, 35, have sex, I will have about three or four small orgasms, and then I dry up. My husband takes longer and the dryness is very frustrating. This seems to be happening more often, and even though he is very understanding, I just get more upset. We have and use lubricants, but not all the time. It's getting to where I don't want to have sex because I know we won't finish together. Please help.

A: Why don't you use a lubricant all the time, assuming it helps? If one brand doesn't work, try another. And if putting it on once doesn't work, put it on several times during lovemaking. It seems to me that vaginal dryness by itself shouldn't be an insurmountable problem to overcome.

Now, if you're having relationship difficulties as well, then you might want to look into solving those issues, because they might be behind your dryness. I also would suggest that you see a gynecologist and report this problem. There may be an underlying physical reason that should be looked into, both because perhaps it could be fixed, and also in case it's a sign of some other condition that needs medical attention.

Q: I'm 23 years old. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. Our relationship lasted for one year, and it was a truly committed one, or at least that's what I thought. The reason I broke up was because I could not deal with his marijuana habit, despite the fact that he never smoked in my presence.

After breaking up, I discovered a series of very suggestive messages he kept sending to women while we were together. It is such a disappointment. It is as though he is living a double life.

The only thing that keeps me tranquil is the fact that I didn't lose my virginity to him. I don't really know what to ask of you. Perhaps I just need some words of encouragement. They would be greatly appreciated.

A: My words of encouragement are that you need to trust in yourself, which you just did. Maybe on the outside it appeared that this relationship was heading in the right direction, but deep down you sensed that it wasn't, which is why you refused to have intercourse with him.

See, I don't think it was just his use of marijuana, but you knew something else was wrong. It's easy to doubt such instincts, but my advice is to trust your senses, even if you can't back them up with any logic, and most of the time you'll see that your senses were right and that they will lead you down the right path. You've had this proven to you, which is lucky for you, so don't ever let yourself forget this important lesson.

Q: My boyfriend, who is 27, as am I, has a hard time getting aroused and finishing. Sex is never spontaneous with us, but rather requires labor on my part, which makes it not very much fun. Second, if he loses focus by making out or trying to arouse me, he loses his erection.

He told me recently that he has taken Cialis before, and I wonder how often he takes it. Is there a way to find out? Is this normal? I feel like a guy would get automatically aroused if he is with a girl to whom he is as attracted as he claims to be with me.

A: Has he been to a medical doctor? The first thing that has to be done is to rule out any medical issue, as he could be having some sort of circulatory problem, which could be serious. So make sure that he gets a full checkup. If his health is fine, then you can consider what else might be going on.

"Sex for Dummies" (IDG Books) is amongDr. Ruth Westheimer's most popular books. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at drruth.com.

Distributed by King Features Syndicate

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
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