Q: My boyfriend, 28, of two years and I are having sex only once a month. I am 27. We used to have sex several days a week. I'm always the initiator.
It takes him ages to touch me (and oftentimes he will lie nearly motionless while I try to arouse him). When it finally happens, he often won't be able to finish, and so we let the moment die.
I'm feeling extremely frustrated and unfulfilled, especially given that we're both in our prime and we're both very attractive. We are affectionate in other areas of our relationship, but I can't get him interested in having sex with me.
Yes, we're extremely busy, live very urban lives and have highly rigorous careers, but I refuse to believe that this is an excuse for a sexless relationship. What can we do?
A: In such cases, there could be lots of causes, but I'm going to be truthful here and say that I'm suspicious about whether he has another girlfriend. I'm basing this on the fact that it seems he doesn't even want to touch you. That indicates a lot of guilt, to me.
Have you noticed other signs that he's emotionally distant from you? Again, given that I don't have the two of you in my office, this is just a hunch, but if I were you, I'd do a little more digging than just writing to me.
Q: Until recently, I have been using a testosterone cream and have had great orgasms, but my doctor won't prescribe it anymore, and I can have an orgasm only about 50 percent of the time, after lengthy manipulation.
We have been married 46 years and have had an excellent sex life.
A: Did your doctor explain to you why he or she won't prescribe it? And if so, did it make sense?
For example, can it do you any physical harm, especially long-term? Perhaps if you are willing to accept the risks to keep your sex life going, your doctor would give you a new prescription, provided you signed a consent form saying that you consider your doctor free of any blame if something happens.
If he or she wouldn't tell you the reason, then the answer is to find another doctor who will either prescribe it or give you a good reason why you shouldn't be using it. If it turns out that this product is not safe, and if there are no medical solutions, then you two will just have to make do, using plenty of lubrication to help matters.
I wish I could be of more help, but the truth is that to get the right answer, you have to dive back into the medical community.
Q: For more than five years, I have suffered from depression and low testosterone, only I didn't know it at first. So I was unable to be intimate with my beautiful wife for about four years.
We almost divorced because of this, but we seem to be on the road to relationship recovery.
Now that I have been treated medically and psychologically, I want to have sex with her in the worst way, but she says, "Maybe one day, but right now my sex drive has shut down because of how you treated me."
I don't understand this. She used to scream, "I need sex." She admits that she often fantasized about other men when I was unable to perform. She also insisted that sex is a physical necessity and that intimacy is not necessary, and accused me of not being a man because I couldn't/wouldn't have sex with her.
So now I am the one who wants sex, and she doesn't. I am not proud of the way I treated her in the past, but I did have two diagnoses that would cause my behavior.
If I press the issue, we will fight, and she will leave me. Any advice?
A: If she has been acting this way for a week or two, I'd say give it another couple of weeks and see what happens. If she's still holding a grudge after that, then you two need counseling.
Of course, it's also possible that she started an affair while she was waiting for you.
But I wouldn't panic just yet. She seems to need to exact some revenge, and even though it wasn't your fault, I say let her act childish for a little while longer.
But if she doesn't grow up, then rather than risk fighting and splitting up, ask her if she'd go with you to see a therapist. That offer alone might get her to back down, as she probably knows deep down inside that what she is doing is wrong.
"Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50" (Quill Driver Books) is Dr. Ruth Westheimer's latest book. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at drruth.com.
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