Q: My wife seems to have no desire for me anymore. She has no imagination, no spontaneity. She thinks that there's only one way to make love and one position. She says she's sexually attracted to me and I'm the only man she wants, but when I'm home and she has the opportunity to show me ... she won't. I'm tired of being the initiator. She's the only woman I want to fulfill my sexual fantasies with. Can you help?
A: I'm not sure I can help you, but I can make some suggestions. I wonder how romantic you are. Do you tell her you love her? Do you tell her how attractive she is, and not in the sexual sense all the time, but in other ways? Do you praise her and compliment her? Do you spend quality time with her, not just sitting side by side watching TV?
Your wife may need more confidence to experiment with sex. You can help her with that, and if you do, then maybe she'll be willing to try some new things.
But you also have to be willing to take baby steps. Some people are afraid that if they open up Pandora's box, they'll find themselves performing acts that they really don't want to do, so they try to keep the lid on. You also might buy a book about sex, one written so that it appeals to women, again giving them the confidence they need. See what you can do to build her self-esteem and confidence, and then see what happens. Good luck.
Q: I'm 24 with a very amazing wife, whom I love. However, I have one issue that is stressing me. I have a very small penis (4 inches long when erect) and she always says if it were 2 inches longer, she would never look at other men with lust. This is killing me inside. Are there ways to enlarge my penis safely without undergoing surgery?
A: What is wrong with her? She must know that there is nothing you can do and that she is hurting your feelings. The question is, why? Have you said anything negative about her body? Is there something else going on in the relationship that is having a negative effect? Are you giving her orgasms, if not with your penis (and most women can't have an orgasm from intercourse alone, no matter the size of the penis) then with your fingers or tongue? It seems to me there's something else going on here, or else she just has a mean streak that comes from her upbringing.
I wish I could help you to increase the size of your penis, but I suspect that even if there were such a measure, she'd find some other way to criticize you.
Q: My husband and I are in our mid-20s and have been having sex with each other for about five years. We've always had good, mutually satisfying sex, and the frequency with which we have sex has increased lately to about four or five times a week. For the past few months, I have been unable to achieve orgasm by any means at all. My husband has been very supportive in trying to help me by focusing on positions and activities that usually are good for me. Nothing is working, and although the sex is still good otherwise, I'd really like some advice on how to solve this problem!
A: Was this increase in sex mutual? If you are feeling oppressed by having sex more often than before, then I could see how that might block your ability to have orgasms. Of course, you may be feeling pressured in some other way — from your job, your financial situation, whatever. The cause probably is mental, and you need to figure out what it is and then you'll be able to deal with it. As long as the cause remains a mystery, however, you're probably going to continue to have this problem.
Q: My husband has a very large penis. For us to have sex I always need to lubricate. Are we rushing into sex before I am fully aroused, or do I just need lube? Do you have any suggestions about a good lube that won't burn? Another question related to large-penis problems: After we have sex, the lower part of my vagina's opening gets torn, leaving it sore, and I can't have sex until it heals. Is this related to my dryness problem as well?
A: If you're worried about pain, it wouldn't surprise me if you are not fully aroused, and that would affect the amount of vaginal lubrication you produce. But artificial lubrication should help. My advice is to try different brands, because one might be better for you than another.
As to the tearing issue, you need to ask your gynecologist. My guess is that you need to wait a while longer before having sex again to fully heal — but you don't need guesswork, you need an actual solution, so see your gynecologist.
Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at drruth.com. "Sex for Dummies" (IDG Books) is amongDr. Ruth Westheimer's most popular books. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at drruth.com.
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