Any way to put their passion on a fast track?

Q: I've recently entered into a relationship. I'm a 21-year-old female, and my partner is a few years older. This is the first actual relationship for both of us, and things are starting to become more physical.

I have two questions.

First, it takes us a long, long time to make the first move. I mean, like two hours. I know that we both are turned on, and we'd like to start a little quicker, but he doesn't seem to want to take that leap between talking and kissing. Is this normal?

Second, we began performing hand actions on each other. He doesn't really seem to be stimulating me correctly. However, I'm not really sure how to help him. I've never had an incredible amount of luck in the masturbation realm, and I can't seem to really communicate what he should do. Any advice?

A: He's nervous, I assume. Also, he doesn't want you to feel like his only interest in you is physical, so he's taking his time. Why don't you act more physical? You don't have to start kissing him, though there'd be nothing wrong with that, but if you make sure you are sitting close to him, touch his arm, his leg. Let him know with physical signs that you are very interested. That might help him.

As for your second question, if you've had problems masturbating, then how is he going to know what pleases you? If you figure that out, then you can teach him.

Many women are so aroused that almost anything works, but if you're nervous and he's nervous, then he'll need some guidance.

So try masturbating again and see if you can find out what works best for you. Then you have to communicate that knowledge to him, either verbally (touch me there; gentler; harder) or by taking his hand and showing him.

Q: I am recently divorced after a 33-year marriage. My new partner is half my age. She was in an abusive relationship where sex was forced on her daily. Now she hates sex and never wants it. I am very sexual and love her very much.

What can I do to get her over this? She says she doesn't know if she ever can get this trauma out of her head.

A: I wonder if she was attracted to an older man because subconsciously she believed that you were going to be more of a father figure than a lover.

In any case, has she gone for therapy? This might not be a problem she can deal with on her own, but there are professionals who could help her.

There is nothing I can do in a forum such as this one. She needs to see someone with expertise in these situations, and then perhaps she will be able to overcome the damage that was done to her.

Q: My boyfriend cannot ejaculate. He is 43, and he has no trouble getting and staying hard. But he has trouble finishing.

We haven't been together very long, and it has been a problem since the beginning.

We have a very hot sex life otherwise, but he cannot ejaculate. It is getting frustrating for us, and we want to make it better, but we don't know where to start.

A: I wonder, has he always had this problem, or is it just with you? I also wonder if he can masturbate. If he can masturbate easily, then this is a psychological problem. If he can't, then he should be checked out by a urologist.

If it's psychological, then he has entered into a vicious cycle. He worries that he will have difficulties reaching orgasm, and those worries make it even more difficult to do so. He should try concentrating on a sexual fantasy while having intercourse in order to keep those worries at bay.

Q: I am 21 years old, and I am about to use Viagra for the first time. Which strength of Viagra should I use for my first night?

A: Zero strength! Viagra is for older men who have erectile dysfunction and require a pill in order to have an erection. I doubt that at your age you have problems obtaining an erection, and if you use Viagra — which you probably got without a doctor's prescription — you are putting your penis at risk.

Viagra is a serious medication, and you don't want to cause medical problems with your penis by using it when you don't need it.

"Sex for Dummies" (IDG Books) is among Dr. Ruth Westheimer's books. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
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