Why do orgasms make her so angry?

Advice Columns and ColumnistsSexually Transmitted DiseasesRuth Westheimer

Q: After I have an orgasm, I get really, really angry. I want my boyfriend to go away and leave me alone. He's the first and only man who has figured out how to make me orgasm, and we've been together for years, so I don't think it is specifically directed at him.

I have very little patience after sex and can't wait to just shower alone. What the heck is wrong with me?

A: I'm a behavioral therapist, so I don't try to figure out why my patients have a problem, but instead concentrate on how to fix it. Orgasms may trigger a hormonal response in you that causes anger, or it might be something in your past. But whatever it is, you need to overcome this.

I understand that it might be impossible to stop these feelings of anger when they first occur. If there's a trigger that makes you angry, you're going to feel angry.

But having said that, the question is, how long do you remain angry? And that is under your control.

So, rather than give in to this anger, my suggestion is that you start to push it out of your mind as quickly as possible. Think of wonderful things you and your boyfriend have done together. Try to replace the anger with love.

It may be hard to do at first, but keep working on it, and let me know what happens.

Q: I am a girl, age 20, and I was raped when I was 19. I can't tell my boyfriend about it because I'm afraid that I might lose him.

He wants to marry me, and I'm afraid that if he discovers it he will be angry, because he is always saying that he would hate to marry someone who isn't a virgin.

What should I do?

A: I'm someone who believes in the occasional white lie. If you were raped, I say you don't have to tell him that that's how you lost your virginity.

Now, when you do have sex for the first time, you'd better be ready to tell him that many young women today don't bleed when they have intercourse the first time because they break their hymen in other ways, like engaging in sports, riding bikes, etc. But if you want to keep this rape a secret, I say it's OK.

Just make sure that you get tested so you are certain you didn't contract any sexually transmitted diseases during this rape. If you are carrying a disease — and it's possible to be infected and not know it — and he could catch that disease, then that would change everything, and you'd have to tell him the truth.

Q: We are a senior couple who have had a satisfying sex life all through our marriage.

I have started to get frequent urinary tract infections and have bad reactions to antibiotics.

So I no longer want to have intercourse because of the chance of getting a UTI. The usual alternatives (oral sex, hand manipulation) do not produce orgasm for my husband. Any other suggestions?

A: First of all, has your doctor suggested that your UTIs are a result of having sex? And if so, has your husband been checked to see if he has the same infection and is passing it back to you? Maybe if any infection he is carrying is cured by taking antibiotics (hopefully he doesn't get bad reactions), you won't get a UTI from having sex.

He also could try wearing a condom. Let him try wearing a condom, and if you don't get a UTI, then that would be an indication that he is carrying the infection, and he could go for treatment.

Q: How come some men have far more ejaculate then others?

What produces that, and can it be increased? I wish to have more; I have only about a tablespoon on a good day. I am fertile, as my sperm are good swimmers.

A: Men can ejaculate anywhere from .1 ml to 10 ml — a teaspoonful is 5 ml. If a man ejaculates quite often, he probably will ejaculate a lesser amount each time. If there is very little ejaculate, it could mean that there is a medical condition that demands attention, but as to a volume that falls within the normal range, I don't know of any way to add to the volume.

But I will say that you should not judge your volume by what you see in porn movies. Either the actors have been chosen because they happen to have a lot of volume, or the volume is enhanced using special effects. My advice is to be satisfied by the volume you have, which seems to be quite fine.

"Sex for Dummies" (IDG Books) is among Dr. Ruth Westheimer's most popular books. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her at drruth.com.

Distributed by King Features Syndicate

Copyright © 2014, Los Angeles Times
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