In the past 30 years, many things have changed. What people considered normal and safe back then — i.e., transporting your newborn in the front seat in a carefully balanced Moses basket, being a latchkey kid at age 6 and exploring in the woods with no parental guidance or cell phones — is pretty much grounds for arrest these days. But, in that simpler time they call the ‘80s, there were some great ideas I’m thinkin’ we should totally revive.
I’d like to start with reinstituting Adult Swim. Remember? That 15-minute span when anyone who wasn’t shaving yet, (legs, face or otherwise) had to evacuate the water and allow the older generation to have a civilized dip — aka, the worst part about going to the pool when you were a kid.
Now, as an adult, I realize it was probably the best part of our parents’ day. They got a quarter-hour (every hour) in a splash-less, Marco Polo-free environment to float on those nonrecyclable Styrofoam chairs (remember those?) and talk about Reaganomics (remember that?) or how amazingly wrinkle-free polyester is — all while smoking a cigarette without worrying a hyper child would snuff it out.
Of course, nowadays we’d be on “Aqua Loungers” made with some Earth-friendly “green” vinyl and purchased from Frontgate or Brookstone for 100 bucks a pop. We’d be debating over WTF the fiscal cliff issue was and why The Voice is better than American Idol, though we’re excited to see a Minaj-Mariah showdown. Thankfully, there wouldn’t be a cigarette in sight, but we’d be enjoying iced lattes (possibly intravenously) that we purchased from the satellite Starbucks by the snack bar.
I’m not gonna lie, that’s a 15 minutes I’d enjoy. Of course, the following would most likely happen, as well: Kids would completely disregard the rules and splash from the side of the pool, try to throw noodles over our heads to the other side or simply pretend to fall in — oops. Those who were taking a break from swimming before the whistle blew would immediately want back in, and “Mommmy ma, ma, MOM,” would be the only sounds one could hear, after a mere 45 seconds of being relegated to dry land.
Children would be running to the edge to show us their artwork, share proof of new high scores on electronic devices and perform impromptu dance numbers for us to gush over and rave about. “Yes honey, that was the best hip-hop ballet performed to Kesha’s “Tik Tok” I’ve ever seen! You’re a dance genius; now can mommy get five minutes with the adults?”
NOPE, we wouldn’t be able to.
Millennium children may be a bit too over-stimulated, over-complimented, over-protected and over-indulged to enable the revival of Adult Swim.
Our parents may not have had some necessary modern mandates, like car seat and safety-belt laws, but they did have obedient children. Sure, sometimes we were ignored or left to fend for ourselves (like during Adult Swim), but we grew into independent, free-thinking millennium moms and dads.
Look, I can’t judge, I’m a true millennium mom. As such, I may not be able to resurrect Adult Swim and enjoy R-rated conversations while ignoring the kiddos, but I am hoping to find new ways to revive independence ... and free thinking! Oh, and leg warmers. G-d I loved leg warmers!