Read On: 20 lessons from the circus
I’m sorry, but I just can’t help it. I am so utterly fascinated by this year’s presidential campaign that it’s difficult for me to think of much else. It is, with apologies to the Ringling Bros., the Greatest Show on Earth — or on any other planet for that matter. And we’ve still got nearly seven months to go.
Perhaps the most intriguing thing about it is the series of lessons it’s painting for the current and future generations of American children. You know what I’m saying? And I’m talking about both sides of the political aisle this time.
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Let me try to boil it down to the 20 most profound facts and teachings for all of you young people:
1. It’s not how intelligent or gracious your wife is but how hot she is that matters most.
2. By contrast, it’s totally cool for her husband to be profoundly unattractive and even appear to be hosting unidentified life forms atop his head.
3. People who are different from you are to be feared, kept at a distance and often prosecuted for the crime of practicing their religion — particularly if it involves wearing clothing you consider weird.
4. To that same end, we all know that Christianity is the only religion that really counts, and those who claim not to be Christian need be viewed suspiciously.
5. Women should not be punished for terminating a pregnancy, but the clinic and doctors who housed and performed the procedure should.
6. It’s permissible — indeed necessary — to call your opponent in a political campaign an “idiot,” a “liar” or a “jerk” and to question their loyalty to America. But their religious beliefs are off-limits.
7. There is no need ever to label your opponent as a misogynist, a racist or a homophobe. It’s already implicit and hard-wired into his DNA.
8. Not only is there a direct correlation between a man’s hand size and that of his penis; it’s a relevant issue in a political campaign.
9. Build walls but never bridges. And make sure someone else pays for them.
10. When in doubt, charge that your opponent isn’t fit to serve as president, especially if unifying your party is likely to be important down the road.
11. If you favor legislation that benefits poor people without medical insurance who are trying to get on their feet, you’ll be branded a bleeding heart that sees it as the government’s responsibility to support the lazy.
12. If you’re a socialist, don’t be Jewish. And if you are a Jewish socialist, don’t also be old.
13. If you’re looking to find a way to make a college education affordable or even free for young people too often left with huge tuition debts, you will be dismissed as a nutty dreamer.
14. There are terrorists lingering around every corner in America. But don’t be scared. Everything’s fine. Really.
15. Taxes are for losers. The smart people know they don’t need to pay them.
16. The job of a television news network is to build up candidates with the most radical agenda possible and then tear them down at the first sign of a faux pas. And as much as possible, the mandate is to stoke controversy and chaos as they mean ratings, which mean money.
17. No candidate says what he or she actually believes. All language and intention is coded and designed to be perceived as something other than truth.
18. If you are a female presidential contender, you will be judged at least as much, if not more so, on your tone, the timbre of your voice, your facial expressions, your clothes, your hair and your makeup as on your policy positions and language.
19. If you really, really, really can’t stand your worst enemy, then it makes perfect sense to make friends with your second-worst enemy — and pretend that he’s really cool — in the hope that it will make your worst enemy lose.
20. We are precisely 100 days from the start of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland. Circle the dates July 18 to 21 on your calendar and prepare never to leave your television monitor or streaming media screen for 96 straight hours. Be sure to plan ahead with provisions, etc. It’s destined to be one of the most extraordinary viewing extravaganzas in world history.
Oh, and kids, feel free to show this column to your teacher — and tell him or her that because you read the whole thing and took it all to heart, you deserve extra credit.
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RAY RICHMOND has covered Hollywood and the entertainment business since 1984. He can be reached via email at ray@rayrichco.com and Twitter at @MeGoodWriter.